TGI (almost)F

What an expensive day! I got in my car at lunch to leave and found I had a dead battery. Site security happened to be driving through. I thought Woohoo! I am lucky, they'll jump my car. Turns out that no, this was one of the many services that was cut in the name of "efficiency". I called a coworker in the lab and luckily he had cables and was able to jump my car. The battery was really old, had a lot of corrosion so I am not surprised it died. I didn't leave any lights on or anything so it just died. $75 for a new battery at Wal-Mart. Of course in the process of them changing it, I looked around. I found a memory foam mattress topper, 4 inches thick for a good price, plus some household stuff. Yeah... it got expensive fast. I have been eyeing the memory foam for 3 months though. And really that is the best price I am going to find for that thickness. PLUS, I am hopeful it will help Alex sleep better which in turn will help me sleep better.

We went out to dinner tonight with some friends. Its the first time in I don't know how long I have been out on a weeknight. It was really nice. The food was great. Its a place called Fresh Choice and its an all you can eat salad bar, plus they have a bread bar, pasta, soups, pretty much everything. Alex ate a ton. I ate a ton. We both left full and sleepy.

Before I had Alex, I never really thought much about parenting. I just figured it was natural to some extent and learned to a different extent. I find myself sometimes amazed at all that I know, how much has been instinctual and how much has been following Alex's lead. I wonder when he gets older what memories he will have of his childhood. I wonder if he will remember the silly songs I sing him that I make up as I go, the lullabies that pop into my head that are made up and often make no sense. I wonder if he will remember the feeling of being loved and cherished or if, because it is so present, it will just be the way things are and something not noticed.

I often worry that I am not doing enough to help him learn. I hear about kids that can identify noses, ears, eyes, dogs and cats. These kids are younger or about the same age as Alex yet, he's not there yet. He can go and get a ball if you ask him where his ball is. He knows what yucky and "throw that away" mean. Maybe its just that kids learn different things at different times. Maybe its a sign that I am not working with him enough. I hate the feeling of failing as a parent. I hate the feeling of not knowing what I am doing and that lack of knowledge impacting my son. I despise being so uncertain at my ability and my quality of motherhood performance. I am hoping all moms go through this, as selfish as that hope is.


Tomorrow is Friday and for that I am very grateful.

Responsibility

For the first time in my life I am really living on a budget. I don't mean that I am rigid in where money goes but I have a good system going. The first of the month I pay a few bills, rent being the biggest and most of that paycheck. The 15th of the month, I pay everything else. I like sitting down the night of the 15th, entering everything into Quicken and submitting it through BillPay. I genuinely like the feeling of being responsible with my money. Its not like there is a ton to toss around. I mean, the ends meet but just barely. It feels good though to see that every month, they are paid and on time. I called a couple places (PG&E, car insurance) and had them move the due date to after the 15th to make it work. And it does. And it feels great.

Whoda thunk it?

Alex's hearing test went perfect last week. It was kind of cool the way they do it. They had Alex and I in a dim room that was sound proofed. On each side of us there was a speak with a glass box attached to the speaker. Inside the box there was a stuffed animal and a light. The audiologist had the ability to play the sound, activate the light illuminating the stuffed animal or both. When she testing him on hearing voices, he passed no problem. Each time she spoke, he turned to the direction the sound was coming from without prompting and without the light coming on.

When she tested him on his ability to hear tones, he stopped responding. Completely. She came in, Alex got to run around the room for a bit and then we started testing again. Same thing. She told me that it could be he is too smart to look because who cares about tones. So for the next series, when she played the tone, she turned the light on and I pointed it out to Alex. When he looked, he got a kiss, a hug and a high 5. Then we got his attention back to her through the glass in the middle and did it again. Once he got the hang of what we wanted, he did fine. She tested him at 10, 15 and 20 decibels, all passed in each of the 3 tone pitches she tested.

I didn't realize how worried I was until I had tears rolling down my face when he was responding the way he should. I am SO relieved it is not his hearing. She said that she will send the results to his Ped and we should get a call from her on Monday or Tuesday with the next step. She said off the record, he is a bright kid that probably just has no interest in talking right now. Her son had 1 word until he was 23 months. When he started talking, it was full sentences from the get go. I'm hoping that is something similar for us.

Do you hear that?

Can you hear that? No? Are you sure? Really?

Its the sound of silence. The wonderful, precious, glorious sound of nothingness. No toddler crying, whining, demanding, babbling. No dog barking, begging, scratching, licking. No phone ringing. No people talking. Nothing. Sweet, pure nothingness.

I was never one to really enjoy silence until I had my son. Once I had him, there was always noise. Somewhere, even if it was only my brain going a mile a minute. Tonight, there is just bliss.

Last night was a hard night. Alex woke up screaming off and on all night. It seemed that as soon as I fell back asleep each time, he was back up screaming like someone was sticking needles in him. I can't find a cause. No fever, comfortable temperature in the room, full belly, no new foods. Trust me, I ran through the gamut in my head last night. Needless to say, this morning was very difficult to get going moving. He then had a very rough morning at daycare, I had a rough morning at work. Both of us short tempered and overall cranky.

He fell asleep early tonight, as will I. Silence is not something that I thought about prior to having him. Money, sleep, energy, health, money, money, money, yes. Silence, no. Its something I find that I crave some days. Our days are so filled between work, daycare, commuting, dinner, and bath that by the time it is over with, there is little energy to expend simply enjoying the quiet.

Parenting decisions

I've been reading a lot of parenting blogs today and it got me thinking really about what my parenting style is, what decisions I have made and what ones I will make in the future.

I suppose by most people's standards, I am a hippy-ish type of mom. Other net names for it: Crunchy, Granola, AP, Attached Parenting. I didn't set out to parent to a specific style. Heck, some of the things we are doing I didn't want to do and said I wouldn't be doing when I was pregnant.

I breastfeed my son. Yes, even though he is 15 months, he still nurses. Its good for him immune system. Its an awesome way to reconnect at the end of the day. When he decides he is down nursing, I'll quit. Until then, we are on his timeline. No one has ever gone off to college still nursing, I am sure my son won't be the first.

We cosleep. This was one I said I wouldn't do. And then I had him. The L&D process was a nightmare and I was too tired to fight with my body about putting him back in the plastic bassinet. By the time we were home from the hospital, the stage was set and we have been doing it since. Its, again, an awesome way to reconnect at the end of the day and I sleep longer because I am not having to get out of bed to nurse him.

I babywear. It makes it so much easier than having to constantly worry about whether I have the stroller with me or not. I do have a stroller and I do use it but for walks, crowded places, missed naps during errands... well, its just as easy and comfortable to put him in the sling and go.

I don't yell, spank regularly or hit. Of course there is the rare occasion of a lost temper but by and large, I try to explain my position to my son and we "discuss" things. I lead him through the motions of what needs to happen but yelling and hitting aren't things I am willing to do to my dog. How could I be willing to do them to my son?

I figure it this way... my son is only a baby right now. His sense of security, his lack of fear, his self-esteem and his feelings about the world come directly from how he is treated. I want him to know he is an intelligent, capable, good boy with the power to make decisions about his life. I want him to be raised with 10 times the amount of self esteem and self assurance I had.

AP is an approach, rather than a strict set of rules. It's actually the style that many parents use instinctively. Parenting is too individual and baby too complex for there to be only one way. The important point is to get connected to your baby, and the baby B's of attachment parenting help. Once connected, stick with what is working and modify what is not. You will ultimately develop your own parenting style that helps parent and baby find a way to fit – the little word that so economically describes the relationship between parent and baby.

Taken from: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130300.asp