The Journal of a Brat
April 2003 through August 2003
| Birthday, August 25 - 26, 2003 |
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Its been the most amazing 2 days I have ever spent virtually alone. Camping is always fun, I have gone alone before but this time was different. Its a new year for me and a new chapter in my life. There is a certain bittersweet quality to it. |
| Friday, August 22, 2003 |
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The finger is healing although the pins are starting to push through. I know they are supposed to but the whole ideas just grosses me out. Major ewwwww. They are hypersensitive and the splint rubs on them causing quite a bit of pain, yet not wearing the splint and it gets caught on stuff. So I've just been wearing it at night to keep it from getting smushed. Life is getting good again. More often than not I am happy. I'm going to the fair one day this week, having lunch/dinner out several times and just having a mellow birthday. Different from last year but at least this one is true. |
| Tuesday, August 19, 2003 |
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I made a very important realization last week. I don't want a relationship as much as I want to want one. The last relationship was so roller coaster, so high and so low. So pure and so full of deception. I just don't have it in me right now to fight for something like that again and I don't have it in me to take the risk. A year ago, I was being told to wait just another month, his son's birthday was going on and he wanted to break it to her then. He was planning a beautiful weekend at Burney Falls for my birthday, complete with the rented SUV and the hotel stay in *our* hotel. I learned a lot from that relationship; from him. I know I have more to learn. I just don't think I am open to being teachable right now. I wasn't looking for someone when I found him. And when I find the next love in my life, I doubt I will be looking for him then. The men in my past, as few as they are, will always stay in my heart. I still do, and always will, love each of them from what I learned and what I taught them. They remain in my heart for the times of laughter and tears shed. They stay there because without them I would not be me. Good, bad or indifferent, the people in our past shape our futures. |
| Monday, August 11, 2003 |
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The hand seems to be healing pretty well. I baked 8 dozen cookies to take down to the OR and the Ortho dept on Wednesday as a *thank you*. I get my stitches out and I am just so grateful for everything they did to help. It was a long process but I can definitely see a Higher Power working in my life. I can see some of the reasons why things have gone the way they went with UCD. I've started going to a Boundaries class last week and I already find myself setting them. The notion that we teach people how to treat us is such a simple one. I just want to find the happy medium between bitch mode and doormat mode and I think this class will help. No more feeling guilty when I didn't do anything wrong and no more apologizing for how other people feel. I can only control, change and fix my emotions. |
| Wednesday, August 6, 2003 |
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| Monday, August 4, 2003 |
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Listen to an audio post
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| Monday, August 3, 2003 |
I leave in a few minutes for the hospital. Strangely, I am not all that nervous. I obviously won't be updating for a few days. |
| Saturday, August 2, 2003 |
I got a letter earlier in the week from the Public Defenders Office in regards to the crap that happened to Su back in March. The investigator was very nice, I told him point blank that if he was looking for someone to support the fucker's story, he was SOL. We talked for almost an hour. I gave an official witness statement and we talked longer after that. Very nice guy. Birthday party today in San Ramon with B's family. Nice time had by all. I of course, hung with the kids as usual. The *yummy boy* didn't show up, B had invited him, I guess he has worked so much lately that he way overslept and with the distance it just wasn't feasible. To be honest, that was just fine with me. Last night I went to a BBQ hosted by someone I met on LiveJournal. Very nice people and I had an awesome time. Trying to cram as much fun in as I can. 1 day left before surgery. |
| Tuesday, July 29, 2003 |
I am so not a graceful girl. You'd think by now I would just quit moving around and stay stationary the rest of my life. While walking in Ju's backyard this afternoon, I stepped in a hole and twisted my ankle. Yep. Yet another injury to add to this year's list. I don't know how bad it actually is but it still hurts several hours later and is nice and fat. ;o) I met a man today that was homeless for 2 years, through the kindness of someone in the program, he has 3 years now. He's chairing my meeting Thursday. I'm klutzy, I'm single, my heart has been broken, I'm unemployed and hurt but I'm grateful. |
| Monday, July 28, 2003 |
Things have been crazy but boring, just lots of commitments and stuff going on. I've had a lot of time for thinking, generally not a good thing for this girl. I have a friend going through the same situation that I went through with the M thing. How I so badly want to protect her. I told her about my experiences and I know there isn't much more I can do than that. I know I wouldn't have listened, he was too good, I trusted him, he would never do that to me. All the same lies that most women in that position believe. I saw my grandparents on Saturday, the first time since everything came crashing down. They really liked him. Emails and phone calls were their only contact with him but they too thought he was honest. Needless to say they were more than angry and hurt when they heard the truth of everything. My grandmother never cusses and for the first time I heard her use the phrase f-ing SOB. It was almost cute. I saw a car that might have been his on the freeway today. I took Freedom to the river and the timing would have been right if it was him on his way to work. I couldn't see if the dent was still there. I still remember that day it happened like it was last week. He had gotten in some huge fight with her, she called him names, they yelled, he stormed out of the house to me. In his hurry to get to my front door, he backed the car into a tree in the parking lot of my apartments. He told her he did it at work, she accused him of doing it to spite her. I still don't get why he stayed then or if he has continued, why he stays now. The song Are You Happy Now by Michelle Branch (see lyrics page) was playing when I saw the car. Definitely weird if it was him. Just trying to get ready for the surgery, I'm not scared this time though. Its kinda nice. |
| Tuesday, July 22, 2003 |
I just got home from UCD. My surgery date is August 4. B went with me and thank God for that. She questioned and pushed and stayed strong on the doctors. The original Ortho dr I saw was a Fellow. The man that I saw for the second opinion after seeing the Fellow was a professor. They are not fusing the joint, they will be cutting a pie shaped piece of the bone out, pinning the rest and then sewing me back up. I won't gain anymore mobility than I have now but I won't lose any either. It's going to be a long recovery road but its doable and the end result will be more than worth the work. The Professor's asked the Fellow why wasn't this done the original date of surgery. The Fellow could only answer because there was more mobility. When he left the room, he was a very pale man. I almost felt sorry for me. I can't say that it was an intentional failure to act or simply something that didn't appear as an option to him. I don't think he will make the same mistake twice though. At least I can know that no one else will go through the same experience I have been through. And after knowing the Professor is doing the surgery, I'm a little anxious but not anything like I was. I actually wanted to hug the man when he left. So that's the scoop. |
| Monday, July 21, 2003 |
I'm house sitting the 19th- the 25th. Updating is virtually impossible from the house I am at. So there won't be any updates unless something major happens at the ortho appointment tomorrow. Things lately have just been pretty status quo. Nothing much going on, just treading water at this point. |
| Friday, July 11, 2003 |
Made cookies today for the speaker meeting tomorrow night. 5 dozen Peanut butter & Chocolate chip. They came out way yummy. I took Freedom with me to drop them off tonight and while there saw someone I used to date, another person I had a crush on and a woman that intimidates the hell out of me. Freedom got to get out of the car and be Mr Social while I chatted with these people. One by one they took off until I was left with the one that scares me. She and I had a great conversation. And I realized, she's not scary, I'm just insecure. She has the same type of shit going on that I do, the same fears and the same lack of answers. It was great talking to her. Freedom is now appropriately passed out and I'm going to go do the same. |
| Thursday, July 10, 2003 |
Sorry I haven't been updating as often. Just busy and scattered and stressed out. So instead of dealing I play games on pogo when I can. ;o) I've been walking with Ju a lot and that helps. Added the songs to the lyrics I like on Lyrical Life. Just random stuff. Plus the usual physical therapy. I'm in a lot of pain with my hand most days and I'm getting tired of that. I feel like I am just surviving, not truly living and that my life is on hold. So I isolate and withdraw and hide. |
| Friday through Sunday, July 4-6, 2003 |
Great weekend!!! In fact so busy I didn't have the time or energy to update until now! Friday: Saturday: Sunday: |
| Thursday, July 3, 2003 |
Looooooooooong day. Left at 8:30, went walking with Ju. Got to G- 3 at 10:30ish, opened the meeting hall. Secretaried the meetings and got out of there around 1:15 or so. B and I left for Costco. Shopped and giggled and laughed and played until about 4:30. Got home a bit before 5. We are having one of those *dump all your large garbage in the gutter* days next week so I started the gross and huge task of cleaning out the garage. Got my stuff piled to keep and dump and left the rest for mom. Left at 6:30 to head back to B's to baby sit Miss E. She and I went to Chuck E Cheese. She had a blast and I loved spoiling her. Got home around 11 and I am pooped. No doubt about it pooped. Saw the pictures from Les Mis back in April. My gawd are they horrible. I look like crap in them. At first I thought it had to be the lighting making me so pale but my lil sis looked normal. B pointed out too, the strain I was under then with everything going on but geez. Talk about the outside looking like the inside. |
| Wednesday, July 2, 2003 |
The day started out very well. Went to physical therapy, found that while nothing has improved on my hand, nothing has gotten worse either. Went and had lunch with the yummy boy. Very nice lunch at Cafe Bernardo's. But while there, we saw St and her boyfriend drive by. The same boyfriend that put her daughter in the hospital for 10 days. So I called CPS and the detective in charge of the case to let them know what is going on. Friendship only goes so far and once broken by lies and deceit, no way will it cover protecting a jacked up mother while she puts her child in danger. CPS took my formal complaint and I think they will investigate. I can only hope. Went out and played with B this afternoon and had fun. Tomorrow is a busy, busy day but should be good. |
| Tuesday, July 1, 2003 |
I took the postal exam today and I think I did pretty well. The 2 sections I was most worried about I got through one of them I know I aced. I should have the results in 3-4 weeks. Also talked to the yummy boy today. He called yesterday and said he got assigned to M's unit at the post office. Ok, he doesn't know much, if anything about that whole situation, and there is no way M could know about anything between yummy boy and I. Still though, talk about uncomfortable. Admittedly, I panicked a bit. Well, yummy boy called today and M transferred him out of his unit. No details are known but it doesn't seem like it is connected. Yummy boy and I are having lunch tomorrow. YAY! M.A. has disappeared. No calls, no emails, no nothing and I haven't gotten any responses from him. Its hurts, he was like the father I didn't have and now, its like the father I do have. No contact, no reason, I am just supposed to guess where I stand. Well, fuck that. I'm not into games. |
| Monday, June 30, 2003 |
Its been a rough day of crisis phone calls of sorts. I had a great time with Freedom and Je at the river. The dog is dead tired. I'm sun burnt but we had fun. I got home and found out one of the older girls had, yet again, peed on my bed. The second time 3 days. This time it was just the sheet on the bed because the featherbed is still drying and it soaked through to the mattress. Called 3 people for opinions, one being the original owner. She called me back with horrible news. She has been in chronic pain for 2 years with her back. We've all known about it and the Dr's have never been able to find anything wrong. They found out today that she has a tumor in her spinal column. Its taking up about 90% of the diameter in one area. She has been waking up without being able to feel her toes, etc. Grateful there is an answer however the solution is scary. She is having surgery a week from tomorrow to remove the tumor, some bone will have to be removed and there is a chance of paralysis. She was my first true sponsor, my idol, hero worship in the worst way. She meant the world to me and I was lost when she moved. We have remained pretty close but this brings it home. I want to be there. I may actually drive the week following the surgery. She'll be off work for 2-3 weeks and I want to help however I can. AZ is not so far away that a 2 day drive will bother me that much. I've done it twice before and with the right music I actually enjoy it. Nothing has been decided about Boomer. I just can't deal with it right now. Je is having problems with her boyfriend, now the stuff with my former sponsor, plus my own shit with my hand and stuff. I am way not prepared for this test tomorrow. |
| Weekend, June 28-29, 2003 |
Saturday Je and I were supposed to take Freedom to the river but things got messed up plan wise. Ended up just going over there and hanging out. She called about a border collie puppy and 2 hours later there were 2. =) Both males, littermates, probably 6 maybe 8 weeks old. They are SO cute! One is mainly black with a white belly and tine white tips on his paws. The other is all black and white, like a cow. So the names are Oreo and Tux. And they still have puppy breath!!! Yesterday we went furniture shopping for her. Found a gorgeous dining room table set but it was a bit out of the budget her boyfriend set so..... we went back to the house and played with the puppies and stuff. I promised Freedom I would take him Monday to the river instead. Tuesday morning I take the postal exam so I want to be home early enough to get some sleep and study a bit. |
| Friday, June 27, 2003 |
I had a wonderful day. Started out with a walk in the park (literally) with Freedom and Ju. Came home, got ready and went out to see an old friend. I have known this woman since I was 12. When I hated things at home, I ran to her house 6 doors down. The first drink I ever had, was the kind she usually drank, because she was *cool*. I saw her adopt 2 beautiful children. And I see now in her daughter what I'm sure she saw in me. This intelligent, wonderful child with no drive and ton of potential she doesn't see. She is so damn cute. I've known her since she was 8 months old. She's now 15. All legs and looks and brains. I hope I can do for her what her mom did for me. She saved my sanity while I went through the *wonderful* teenage years. And we have the kind of friendship now that can go for months and months with no update, we chat for several hours and are back up to date. No insecurities about it, just how we are. I always leave though wondering why we don't talk more often! teeheehee I did my hand exercises though and now I hurt. So off to bed I go. |
| Thursday, June 26, 2003 |
I went to physical therapy today. I went ok. I like the therapist, she seems really nice. I have a bunch of exercises to do every day now and she thinks I might get the majority of the use back from it. I also took on a service commitment for AA. So.... we'll see. I know though my finger is killing me tonight. No pain no gain though I guess. I also added a new song to lyrical life so..... I've been havin' fun with music again. |
| Wednesday, June 25, 2003 |
I am going through a tornado of emotions today. Everyone but one person has agreed they are normal and just. I'm just tired. This year has been pretty crappy. I go to physical therapy tomorrow for my hand. While it was ALWAYS hurting before Monday, since they tweaked with it then, it does. Grrrrrr. |
| Tuesday, June 24, 2003 |
Its totally stupid and I know it and maybe I'm just being a spoiled brat. I wanted my surgery though. I went with B today while she had hers and she had all the anxiety and stuff too but I could tell there was also relief that things were *fixed* when she got out. I don't get that relief. I'm sorry if it seems like I am obsessing on this. I had my whole life on hold though, waiting for June 23. And once it got here, I was all prepared for something to be done and now its nothing. I am still on hold waiting for another month to find out what I get to do next. |
| Monday, June 23, 2003 |
They cancelled the surgery. Said that the amount of mobility I have now is a sign of improvement and that fixing it further at this point is only cosmetic. I have to go back in a month to see them then. They said that if there is degradation or anything like that they can always fuse it then. I am supposed to live with the crookedness of it and do physical therapy to get further mobility. Normally I would think it was a good thing too. However, mentally and emotionally I have done a lot to get ready for this. Not to mention the 2 months of fighting I had to go through to get this surgery. Remember, I broke it back in April. I had to fight for 2 months just to see the ortho Dr, because ALL the dr's said I needed the surgery. And then I get down there, emotionally I am finally ready and then they got the IV in and I'm in the paper hat and gown and THEN they decide not to do it now. But it might still need to be done a few months from now. I'm frustrated. I'm pissed. I'm more than a little cranky. |
| Sunday, June 22, 2003 |
So tomorrow is S day. I'm scared. Pitifully scared to be honest. Not about the surgery so much as about the pain afterwards. I don't have much of a pain tolerance. While it has been increased in the last 3 months or so, I am still a big baby. Je is taking me and B is bringing me home. I'll probably be pretty loopy most of tomorrow, but I'll try and write Tuesday or so. I just had a HUGE yummy dinner at Fresh Choice. I spent most of yesterday out. Went to the river with Je and her son and Freedom. Went to dinner on a *double date* of sorts last night with a friend, her husband and a new guy. He seems nice but there wasn't a ton of chemistry. Could have been the setting, could have been the name. Without knowing, she set me up with another Mark. She didn't know about the one I just split up with. Teeheehee Could make life easy bed though! ;o) Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm bad. I went and picked up the little sister this morning and it was so good to see her. I'm jealous as all get out at the world she has lying at her feet but I know too, she'll put it to her advantage instead of screwing it up like I did. She's a good *kid*. |
| Friday, June 20, 2003 |
I got my time to report to the surgery suite on Monday. I have to be there at 9:45 a.m.. I think that's a good thing. Early enough that the caffeine withdrawals won't hit and late enough to sleep a little. B is going to take me and pick me up. No visitors please. I will be home Monday night but, from what I have heard, I'll be pretty out of it. I have left instructions to someone to post here if I am kept overnight. Doubtful, but a possibility. I had a wonderful morning with Ju in the park with my squirrels. She thinks they are starting to recognize me, personally, I think they are starting to recognize the bag of food. Busy weekend ahead, its already started. I had dinner with B and another friend and then we hung out for awhile. The other friend had to get home so her husband could go to work and B and I went to Denny's for a late dessert. Wonderful company, a buttload of laughs and giggles. I had a great time. |
| Thursday, June 19, 2003 |
It started out as a great day. I went this morning and fed the squirrels and ducks with real squirrel and duck food at McKinley park. At one point I had about 20 squirrels circled out in front of me, the closest barely 6 inches away. They were so cute and it felt good to do it. My grand sponsor, Ju, and I have been walking a few times a week and she was with me. She said it looked like I was holding class with the squirrels. =) Went to a meeting and then had lunch with the yummy boy. Great conversation and while nothing will ever happen, its a nice new friendship. |
| Wednesday, June 18, 2003 |
So I went to Great America yesterday with St. Oh my gosh!!!! I had so much fun. So so so so much fun. We rode all the good stuff at least twice and some we rode 3 times. I even rode the Xtreme Skyflyer. Its this harness and pulley thingie that once the harness is on, you are horizontal to the ground. Then you get pulled back and up on wires to the top of this pole. They countdown and then you pull the ripcord and it releases you. The first pass I thought I was gonna pee my pants. By the 3rd one though I was loving it. I think its the closest thing to flying I'll ever get. It was so awesome. And the in flight picture they took had such a huge grin on my face, I had to buy it. Way fun for the day. We were exhausted when we left but oh what a day! I'm still a bit tired, a little sunburned but a muchly contented brat. |
| Sunday, June 15, 2003 |
So I got back last night but didn't tell anyone. I needed the break ;o) It was a great weekend. I don't have the emotional wherewithal to write down everything happened without making it sound like an itinerary. The graduation was great. E and B and I had a great time at the hotel and on the drives. I got to meet B's mom yesterday. It was just an awesome weekend. I am so very glad I went. |
| Thursday, June 12, 2003 |
Wondermous day today. It started out with a 2 mile with my grand sponsor through McKinley park. We saw a mama duck with 10 (yes 10!) babies. Lots of tiny squirrels too. While walking park to my car, I cut through one of the really open spots and had a couple of sparrows flying huge circles at knee level around me. Then I got to G-3 and there were 2 nests in the rafters outside and I could hear the babies crying when the mom and pop flew in and out of the nest. So precious. B and I hung out, shopping and goofing around and then picked E up. Went to Coldstone and had yummy ice cream and then I got to watch E ride her bike. She's growing up so fast! I leave in the morning to go see B's oldest daughter, my little sister, graduate from high school. I'll be back late Saturday or Sunday so no updates until then. |
| Wednesday, June 11, 2003 |
Pretty good for the most part. Had a good lunch, found a cute pair of shoes and went to a meeting in Davis with the same friend from last night. Great meeting, good topic, good company. And while on my way out, I saw my Broadband modem was sitting on the front porch. YAY! I've been online and talkin on the phone all evening! |
| Tuesday, June 10, 2003 |
I spent the morning with my grand sponsor. Things went really really well. I even went after our 2 mile walk to help her get her office organized. We're walking again Thursday. Then I went shopping for B's daughter's graduation. I needed to get something decent to where. I found a way cute black linen tank top and khaki capris. I've gone and done it.... I own a pair of capris. Scary. After shopping I went and met an old friend for dinner. We had a great time and walked around downtown Davis afterwards looking at all the quirky shops. One of them was a metaphysical shop. Awesome store. It then sparked a conversation on auras, past lives and the whole psychic realm. I think its something I want to explore. She saw a few things that there was know way she could have known. My left shoulder has been tensed up for the last few weeks and she knew it. I never ever mentioned it. She cleared out my chakra and weirdly enough, most of the tension is gone. Yep yep yep, I definitely want to know more about this schtuff. A great day to be had. |
| Monday, June 9, 2003 |
I spent the morning with a set of 10 month old twin boys. Good gawd are they cute. They were preemies by a couple of months but they have grown leaps and bounds. The smaller of the 2 is doing great now and I get all kinds of baby kisses and hugs from them. Tomorrow I'm going walking with my grand sponsor. I have to admit, the woman scares the crude out of me. If she can keep Brooke in line, I know she's tough. Loving but tough. She's also way cool though. So I have joined the rest of the free world and ordered broadband. Granted its only a 2 month free trial but hey.... no contract and after 2 months I can go back to boring old slow dial up. I needed to get a USB hub though for the modem and my mom needed a new mouse so out to Fry's I went. Normally I hate the store for the crowds but love the good deals. Best of both worlds tonight. I got a USB hub for $4.99 and spindle of 50 CD's for $8.00 and got the mother her optical mouse for $15.00. Woohoo! |
| Sunday, June 8, 2003 |
Seems things are pretty much status quo lately. I think that's a good thing. I spent the evening with Je and her son. We had a good time browsing for bargains at the 99 cent store and dinner at Hometown Buffet. We talked a bit about the yummy boy. He and I talked this afternoon. He is so sweet and polite and cares so much about what my feelings are on making plans. Its so nice to have someone care that much about having to switch plans. And to know that his backing out of plans is actually legit and for work. *sigh* Maybe he was put here just to show me that there is still someone out there for me. Selfish? Perhaps. |
| Saturday, June 7, 2003 |
Another good day. Spent the afternoon with B and my grand sponsor. Good food at lunch, good company and great conversation. Then I made the mistake of going and trying on clothes. Oh what I wouldn't give for some liposuction bout now. |
| Friday, June 6, 2003 |
Good day today. Spent the afternoon with E at the park and having ice cream. The evening with B and E and good pizza and a movie. I do be tired now. |
| Thursday, June 5, 2003 |
I talked to the yummy boy tonight. Really good conversation. I told him what was on my mind, no judgment simply that our lives are not conducive to each others. I explained to him that its simply a choice I have made in mine and I don't begrudge the choices he has made but that the 2 don't fit real well together. He totally understood and we talked for a long time. We're going to try the friendship route. He really is a good guy. I can learn a lot from him and I hope he can learn from me. I think the hardest part about this for me is that this is the first guy since M that has had any potential for me. And who knows what will happen in the future. I just know that there is no way I can bear to start another relationship seeped in dishonesty or omissions of truth, even if those truths are just feelings. He paid me one of the highest compliments I have gotten in a long time... he called me an old soul, wiser than I should be. |
| Wednesday, June 4, 2003 |
The date went well. I really like him. Lots and lots of stuff to talk about. We ended up talking and sitting and walking for almost 4 hours around Davis. I guess Davis has a not smoking policy if you are stationary so we walked around the quiet neighborhoods of downtown Davis. I really think there could be something there. Today was a good day. Went to a meeting, talked to B, actually had a conversation with a woman that intimidates the hell out of me. Even offered to help her next week. Scary stuff! I even found a program tonight that will copy my games to burn. Woohoo! |
| Tuesday, June 3, 2003 |
So I go in for surgery on the 23rd. Most likely will be outpatient possibly one night in to monitor pain and swelling but not too likely. Definitely a general anesthetic. Worse case scenario, they will be fusing the joint at a 90 degree angle. Still very limited use but it will look better than it does now and I'll have some function too. Best case of course will take a major miracle. Seems when the joint broke it shredded some cartilage. Weird. The doctors (all 4 of them) that I saw today were so nice and helpful and I feel safe with them. I also found out that the prick I saw last Friday isn't even a Dr but a Physicians Assistant. Asshole. So there ya go..... thanks for all the good luck vibes. They worked! Now of course is time to get ready for a date! Oh my! |
| Monday, June 2, 2003 |
Not a bad day really. Actually sort of a good one. I'm in a lot of pain though. Freedom decided he was a lap dog and jumped into my lap bending the gimp finger into a weird spot. It still hurts a few hours later. Damn dog. I see the Hand Specialist tomorrow. Everyone, please keep your fingers (especially your pinkies) crossed for good news. Please. |
| Sunday, June 1, 2003 |
Mellow day, as most Sundays are. I talked to the new guy tonight. He definitely one of the *good guys*. So polite and nice and caring already! He had heard about what happened on Friday at the dr's appt and was concerned about me. Wanted to know if there was anything at all he could do. *sigh* It was nice talking to him. We had planned on getting together tomorrow night for dinner but he asked if we could change it so he could drive his mom home after work and spend some time with his brand new niece. I said of course its not problem and he kept wanting to make sure it was ok and that I was upset. I'm not used to being treated like that. With M, if things were cancelled I had to deal with it. There was no other option. I honestly didn't think I would be interested in anyone so soon after M because the feelings were so strong for him. Instead its sort of the opposite. I have been loved at *that* level and I have loved back at *that* level and I want to experience it again. Regardless of how things turned out with M I know now and I knew then he loved me so very deeply. He said quite often that he had never loved like *that* until he met me. I too had never experienced it either. And now.... I want to experience it again with the right person. |
| Saturday, May 31, 2003 |
I got my hair highlighted today. Albeit there are a few more highlights than I thought I needed, it looks pretty good. On the way over I saw the father of my goddaughter. I haven't seen the family in 2 years after a pretty nasty blowout. Em, their oldest daughter, was like my best buddy. The last time I saw her she was 5. She barely recognized me today. My goddaughter was almost 2 last time I saw her. I went to a meeting tonight because the father invited me and to be honest, I miss my girls. I miss him and his wife too, don't get me wrong, but those girls. *sigh* So we made tentative plans to get together in a couple weeks. In retrospect, the blow out was stupid, yet I couldn't tolerate the way A, their mother, treated me. At the time I just cut my losses. Now, I don't care. I just wanna see my girls. I miss them more than anything. |
| Friday, May 30, 2003 |
Things did not go as well as I had planned. The doctor was an ass from the moment he walked in. He told me that because its been so long, surgery probably won't help and wanted to send me on my way with a disfigured and useless finger. I stopped at the nurses station on the way out to get his name and when the nurse saw my face, she grabbed his supervisor. Crying I told him the whole story, he was familiar with my case because of all the BS I have been through with it. He grabbed his supervisor and we went through the story again. The doctor I saw is getting his butt chewed form what I could gather and I see a hand surgeon Tuesday hopefully. Turns out this guy isn't even a surgeon, much less a hand doctor. I'm emotionally drained. I spent most of the morning crying and telling these supervisors thank you over and over again. One bad Dr doesn't make a practice I know but I seem to get overwhelmed simply by the caring that they showed in comparison to him. Its didn't bother him that I explained my work is computers, and I'm only 26. A permanently disfigured finger is not gonna help my career. And when I asked him if it was his daughter sitting here, wouldn't he do everything and anything to help her. Even a surgery that might not make it better, just on the off chance it would. His response, "You're being ridiculous, of course I would". And then he told me I was just angry. No motherfucker, I'm frustrated. I HATE people telling me what I am feeling. I see the actual hand surgeon Tuesday. |
| Thursday, May 29, 2003 |
I met a new boy tonight. B introduced us actually and he is kinda yummy. Very very very nice and soft spoken and he seems pretty intelligent so far. He likes kids and animals. He's single to boot! Of course I immediately wondered what was wrong with him. *sigh* Haven't found anything yet! I'm calling him tonight (at his request) so I'm hoping we can set up a time for dinner or somethin. I see the ortho surgeon tomorrow. Very happy about that too. Of course will post the results. |
| Wednesday, May 28, 2003 |
Yo. Bored. I'm watching Fame, wish I had talent. Any. At all. But Carnie Wilson bugs me Talkin to a friend from LiveJournal via Instant Messenger. I was talking to a guy after the meeting today and he said that have been dealt a lot of low cards lately and that the kings and queens are bound to start coming up. He can keep the queens but seriously, I liked what he said. Joke of the day: What's funnier than seeing a cat fish? A gold fish bowl |
| Tuesday, May 27, 2003 |
I got to go play with Su again tonight, always a good thing. Other than that just putzed around online. Another boring day. |
| Monday, May 26, 2003 |
Happy Memorial Day! Went to the river again with Freedom, Je and her boyfriend and son came along too. We started out for the lake but 90 minutes later after finding out it was over crowded and closed we ended up at the river. It was... interesting. We were all a bit cranky by the time we found a place we could go and at that, it was the boat launch so there was a lot of stopping the play to get out for the boats. All in all though, Freedom and I had fun. And I got a bit of color too. The sun has worn me out though and Freedom is plain pooped. And waterlogged. |
| Sunday, May 25, 2003 |
T'was a nothing day. I did nothing. Well, eventually I ate dinner and took a bath but other than that.... nothing. I'm very tired now for some reason. I think stress is finally starting to get to me. Getting ready to go back to bed. Tomorrow hopefully going to the lake with friends. |
| Saturday, May 24, 2003 |
Spent the afternoon with Je and her son and Freedom. Good afternoon but now I'm tired. *yawn* Nothing else new or exciting. Happy Memorial Day! Thank you to all who have served so that I may have the freedom I have. |
| Friday, May 23, 2003 |
I got a call from UCD this morning... I got my ortho referral and I see the surgeon next Friday. YAY!! I took the mutt to the river to celebrate getting the ortho referral. Stupid perhaps but hey.... the way my life has been lately, it doesn't take much to make me happy. Fun in the sun, trying to stay cool without being in the water (the cast ya know). Freedom had fun and most of my guilt for not exercising him all the time is relieved. |
| Thursday, May 22, 2003 |
The day started out great. Saw The Matrix Reloaded. Had lunch/dinner with M.A. Then got home and found out that I won't be eligible for unemployment now because I am filing for disability and that won't kick in for a month. So it seems I am SOL for any type if financial help from the state for a month. What do they expect people to live on? I'm stressed out, I'm frustrated, I'm discouraged. Mostly though I'm pissed. Got the lyrics page for the site done. Its not up for the non frames side yet but should be soon. |
| Wednesday, May 21, 2003 |
I spent the afternoon with a new friend and her 10 month old twin boys. Very cute yet I had a hard time with them. Just too many thoughts running through my head. My brain is fried. |
| Tuesday, May 20, 2003 |
So I spent yesterday at the county clinic waiting to get my disability forms filled out. I arrived around 11 am and waited to be seen until 5:30 PM. I finally got to leave not long after 6. Simply to have a form filled out. I spoke to someone yesterday that said my referral was still pending and I would definitely get an answer today. I called today. Think I got an answer? Nope! Course not. I have to call again tomorrow. I have been trying to get a hold of the adjuster for the auto accident in March. Have yet to receive a call back from the guy. I called his supervisor today, mentioned that my next step would be to have my lawyer call instead. I got a call back in less than 10 minutes. I've been on unemployment since being laid off in March. My benefits will run out May 30th or so. The last day to file an extension is May 25th. Benefits have to be expired before an extension can be filed. Who knows how long it will take for disability to kick in. I had the deposition for the guy I rear ended in July of 2001 today. The plaintiffs are having a difficulty proving he had insurance at the time I hit him. If he didn't have insurance, he isn't entitled to anything more than medical bills. Bills my insurance company would have been happy to pay. So it looks like we are going to a jury trial if judicial arbitration falls through. And his lawyer was a pompous ass. Things suck toe jam right now. |
| Sunday, May 18, 2003 |
Boring Sunday but not in a bad way. Absolutely nothing new to report. Going tomorrow to get the doctor to fill out paperwork for disability and should hear something on my referral. Blah. |
| Saturday, May 17, 2003 |
Very good day with Je, her boyfriend M and the kids. Even got a tune up and an oil change done, both of which were desperately needed. Apparently, oil isn't supposed to actually be black. Spent all day there and played with the kids and laughed and talked and just *was*. M's daughter is 5 and a little love. She seems to think I'm *cool*. His son is a sweetie. And then of course Je's son is my buddy. At 10 he is a bit young for me, but that boy is going to break hearts when he gets older. |
| very late Friday, May 16, 2003 |
Not much to report. Things are pretty much status quo in every area whether I like them that way or not. Pretty powerless right now over most of them and starting to accept that I cannot move mountains. Or make the county find a Dr to accept me or heal my hand instantly or choose the winning numbers for the lottery or make someone come back to find me. Its weird sometimes certain memories hit me out of the blue. I was driving home from Je's tonight and it dawned on me how happy I was a year ago, ready to go to Redding, oblivious to everything to follow. I couldn't figure out if ignorance was truly bliss. |
| Thursday, May 15, 2003 |
Hasn't been a bad day at all. Went to a meeting with B. Got an amends from someone I really didn't think owed me one and I'll get to play with her twin sons tomorrow. Took a nap and talked to Je. Still in a cast. Yes, it still sucks. And now its time for Must See TV Thursday night. Woohoo! New ER! |
| Wednesday, May 14, 2003 |
| I got my new desk yesterday. The damn thing boxed weighed over 170 lbs and came in 2 separate boxes. Je and I went and picked it up and then her boyfriend and his friend came and got it and put it together. It looks absolutely perfect and I love it. Had lunch with M.A. yesterday and dinner with Je and her family last night and tonight. Good days all in all. |
| Monday, May 12, 2003 |
Takin' care of business. Been on the phone most of today trying to get things settled in some areas and started in others. Still no word about finding a surgeon. Frustrated of course. Did find a list of crack codes for a bunch of games from Yahoo!. If you want the link, feel free to drop me a line. Freedom is good, the cats are good, I'm decent. Not much else to say. |
| Saturday, May 10, 2003 |
| Good day today. E's 4th bday. The party was fun. I saw an old coworker there and it was a bit weird just because she knew the whole situation with M. Nothing was said of course, simply awkward. |
| Friday, May 9, 2003 |
I haven't been writing much because typing is such a pain in the @ss. Good day yesterday and today. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Not much else to report. |
| Wednesday, May 7, 2003 |
Am now in a hard cast with only 3 fingers usable on my right hand and they are barely usable. Back at square 1 trying to find a surgeon. Typing is slow and not all that fun at this point. |
| Tuesday, May 6, 2003 |
Blah. That's the update for today. Yeah seriously. Blah. |
| Monday, May 5, 2003 |
S.S.D.D.. If you have read Stephen King's Dreamcatcher, you'll know what I mean. Or you might know without having read it. Tomorrow's project, start a music page. One that tells the story of my feelings through lyrics and songs. We'll see. Its a good sized undertaking. So things have basically sucked for the last few months or so. The breakup, car accident, job loss, CPS drama with friend's kid, the move, finger
break, etc. Way much more than this girl can handle. Strong or not I am fragile and right now there isn't much more I can handle. I have lost damn near everything that is or was important to me. Thank you. |
| Sunday, May 4, 2003 |
Have been watching American Dreams. I do so love that show. Cheesy? A little but warm fuzzy cheesy. I would definitely be Roxanne. the smartass, loud, from a broken home character. Yup uh huh, have been watching way too much TV. Other than that, nothing much to say. |
| Saturday, May 3, 2003 |
Went to a birthday party for Je's son today. Gawd he's a cute kid. Gonna be a heartbreaker when he grows up. The running joke is that he's my boyfriend and right now.... I think he's worth waiting the 10 years for! The party was supposed to be at a park but the rain drove us into Scandia. We had fun.5 hyper, spasmodic 10 year olds. Other than that a lazy day. I admit, I like the weather like this. Just wish I had someone other than Freedom to cuddle with. |
| Friday, May 2, 2003 |
One step forward, two steps backward it seems. Oh I qualify for county assistance, however, "due to the overwhelming demand, my referral has been rejected". The options are getting fewer and less likely. Have even been considering slamming it in a car door and going to the ER then. My fear with that though is I was permanently damage it then. Not to mention the whole pain issue. I'm frustrated and tired of the whole mess. I have a few leads to follow up on Monday with but, I'm tired of the pain. The longer I am in this splint, the more it seems to get bumped against things, sat on by the dogs or hung up on stuff. All of which seems flames of pain through me. Is it obvious yet I am fried? |
| Thursday, May 1, 2003 |
Not much to say. Rather blah today. Nothing wrong, not much right. Hope I finally get some sleep tonight. |
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