The Journal of a Brat

Sunday, May 19, 2002

Its not so much that I am surprised at life's curveballs as of late, just a bit tired of them I guess.

In the last month I have had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life. I've had to accept help. I've had to learn once again that I am in fact a very strong woman and that I can survive damn near anything. I have also had to realize that in the process of survival I can remain soft without getting angry and pushing anyone away. It has been a hard month needless to say.

My relationship with the prince is and has gone smoothly since day 1. No fighting, in fact I can think of only one or two times that might even be called disagreements. However this being said, the relationship has been less than easy. It seems that the law of "What can go wrong, will." has applied more often than not for us. I could choose to read it as a sign of fate, but I'm not gonna. The love he and I share is far to deep and too real to be that. I do wonder a times though if a message is trying to be sent that we simply aren't grasping. What I do know though is that I have never felt like this before. I thought I had been I love before this. I thought I knew what it was. Now though after experiencing this, I can say without a doubt that it wasn't love before. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but it doesn't touch what I feel now. Its like riding a small piece of heaven when he and I talk. Things I would have considered big deals or sacrifices before are no longer that, now they are just simply what I do because its what needed. I think the same holds true for him.

Work is work. Another schedule change coming up. we'll be shorthanded in less than 2 weeks and I'm not looking forward to the additional hours or work. I'm still job hunting however not with quite the effort I should be.

Sunday, April 28, 2002

Amazing how much a life or 2 can change in less than a week.

I am so very exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally tired. No word on the interview yet. The new job is going better and I am getting settled in, however I haven't started my set schedule yet and that will be the test on how it effects the prince and I.

I do love my prince. Perhaps more than is healthy. Certainly more than I knew it was possible to love another human being. We have such great times together, both laughing and in serious conversations. I know that I am loved. Yes, I too feel the "but" coming on. Perhaps its is all that is going on that has made me question our relationship. The rightness of it, the timing of it, the future of it. I know that what I want is simply not feasible right now. I know that someday I want a ring on my finger and his last name. Will it happen though? I have begun to have my doubts. Its possible that the situation linger as it is for years on end. The end result being that I am just where I started. Alone. That's not what I want. I know too, its not what he wants. I just wish I could somehow persuade him to get some action, any type of action, no matter how small, behind his desires. I don't know, It feels too petty and immature to ever say anything like that. I feel so selfish for wanting more than I already have with him.

Best fix in this situation: Go to bed. Exactly where I'm headed.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

I deserve the good things going on in my life.

The last year and half to 2 years has been less than ideal, they have not been easy and its not something I ever want to relive. I have grown and changed in too many ways to count. I have paid my dues and garnered huge lessons out of it.

I interviewed yesterday for a permanent position doing something I loved doing as a temp. The money is more than right as are the hours and the work. I really want this job. I have until the first to worry about it before I may know the answer. The interview went well and while they have seen my track record there I am up against several employees that are already permanent, leaving my on the outside. The advantage to that though is that I have done the work and they liked me then.

Unfortunately I'm not liking the new job any better, however I have made a good connection with a coworker at night. She and I are very much alike in the perfectionistic and high expectations area as well as several others on the personal side. At the very least laughing and joking around in the evening makes the work tolerable.

My home life has settled down to if nothing else stable. Things are not ideal but it won't kill me now if the work environment is less than ideal. my prince and I are doing as well as we can, we have yet to fight however there haven't even been any minor disagreements lately. I think we both value the limited time together far too much to waste over something petty. Its a rather good feeling.

Friday, April 19, 2002

I know I should be grateful for this new job.

It pays better, its a new skill to learn (however useless it may be in what Shannon wants to do), it has benefits that while are not ideal are benefits nonetheless. I just....I dunno, its not the place for me. The work is tedious and menial, completely brain dead and unchallenging. The biggest challenge I have had is trying to be friendly but not over friendly with all the truckers I talk to each day. I take that back, my biggest challenge has been trying not to harm the woman training me. Just because I may be new doesn't mean I am going to cop to her mistakes, nor does it mean I will not say something when she puts them off on me. Better news on the job front though, I have an interview Monday for a company I have already worked for as both temporary and permanent. The job is one I have already done as a temp, its even better pay and benefits and I've already passed the background check for this company before. ;o)

Oh how I missed my prince yesterday. I spent last evening curled up on my futon watching TV and snuggling with the teddy bear he gave me smelling like him. We got to spend some time tonight together and will spend even more together tomorrow. Woohoo!

I do love being loved, more so though I love loving someone else.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

The last 24 hours have been pure bliss for me.

My prince and I made arrangements for an uninterrupted night alone for last night. I wanted everything to be perfect, so much so that I was more than just a tad nervous. My fears were of course needless as everything was perfect and would have been even without my fussing. While the weather was cool and rainy it made it even more perfect. In the silence of the night awoke only once and heard the sound of the rain coming down. My only wish for last night was that it wouldn't have ended. The feeling of waking up in his arms is just... indescribably wonderful and safe and so full of trust. A year ago I would have said not in a million years, now I am more content than I would have dreamed possible. Not only am I allowed to be me with him, no pretense or fakeness required, it is expected that I be myself. A few tears slid out as I drove home today, not so much out of sadness but out of a disbelief that I could be so lucky or so deserving to know this man. Even more so they were for the knowledge that he feels the same for me.

I start the new job tomorrow. While I'm somewhat unfocused, I'm not really nervous. I think the work will be easy enough once I'm trained. The waking up at 6 am after months of a swing shift schedule has me more in dread than anything else.

I do rather like being on this cloud of love.

Monday, April 15, 2002

For the day being what it was, it went rather well.

I am no longer a postal employee. In all reality it was a good last day. Things went up and down emotionally, ranging from giggles and excitement to sadness and longing. They are my family, certain people in that unit will just always be. No matter what. I got the *you better keep in touch* speech from more people than I could count. I also got to hear from a normally hard person that I have touched his heart. Leaving was hard, I walked around the unit just trying to imprint everything about it into my memory. While my experiences there are less than heaven sent, it was what it was. A job, new friends, laughter and tears. All rolled into one for me. My feelings got hurt from the immaturity of some. My self esteem got raised by the respect of others. It was an experience. One that I will remember forever.

Freedom got hurt at the park. My poor baby is doing the hop along on 3 feet keeping the fourth raised. $53 later I got the bare treatment done for him. How my conscience hurts knowing that I can't afford to do all they wanted. The money simply isn't there though. Freedom has been my one constant the last 3 years, he has been the one to comfort my tears and allow me to just be me. He knows when to snuggle and when to lay quietly next to me. He doesn't know there is more they could do. He probably in all reality is not in that much pain. I know though that there is more they could have done and that's what hurts me.

My lesson today: I am not Superwoman and everyone but me seems to know this.

Sunday, April 14, 2002

Tomorrow is Tax day, a Monday and my last day all rolled into one.

It being a Monday means the work will be heavier than normal anyway. It being tax day to boot means it will be 10 times worse. It being my last day means there will be a lot of tears to go with it.

I think I totaled about 4 hours last night of sleep. I got up and did a ton of laundry and cleaned, hung out with B and E for a little while. E broke my heart when it was time to say good-bye and big tears started welling up in her eyes. How well I know that feeling lately.

I spent the rest of the day just hanging around. I watched all the shows I recorded this week, made a huge pot of spaghetti and played online. Sundays are hard days for me, with little structure I seem to be more tired than the rest of week yet still wanting to get so much done I can't sleep. Perhaps tonight will be filled with sweet dreams and restful thoughts.

Just put on a happy face and people will be none the wiser tomorrow. Tuesday is right around the corner and there is far too much to look forward to that day to be sad tomorrow!

Saturday, April 13, 2002

Day 2 of 3 of the *goodbyes*.

I spent yesterday in a work area that gave me full view of my unit. One that allowed me to quietly sit while waiting for the work to get there and simply observe and reflect. I got to remember all the times of giggling and laughter, the pranks we play on each other and the fun of trying to keep a straight face when caught. This of course started the tears. So I forced myself to remember the stinging barbs and gossip that has been said about me. I forced myself to think of those who had set out to hurt for no known reasons. While my unit has for the most become a home with family, the entire building is not this way for me. And in all honesty, I can count the people I will miss the most on one hand from my unit, one hand for people not in my unit. I will not miss the lack of respect, the laziness of some and the work itself. I will though miss my friends, I will miss the people that have endeared themselves to me and I to them. I will miss having a little unit mother that has a pet name she calls all of us yet has a different inflection for each person she says it to. I will miss the card games with my smoking buddies. I will miss the harmless flirting, and politically correct or not, I will miss the compliments to a degree. I will miss the older man that has spent his life there yet still has the rosy cheeks and twinkle in his eye. He manages to pull a smile out of me even on the worse days. I will miss the supervisor that tells me I am better than this place and do not belong here, regardless that the same holds true for him. Perhaps this new job will have the same good qualities, Perhaps it will also have the same bad ones. I worry though it won't have the good even if it does have the bad.

The prince and I spent some time together today. I was told not to be sad at the changes going on to look at the positive. I'm trying to, I really am. Tis hard though for me to see anything good in the idea of spending less time with him. Yes, this new job will be more money, a different atmosphere and health benefits to boot. That can't compare with seeing someone I love. Anyone I love, especially the prince though. This week has flown by so fast. We have spent so much more time than usual together yet I feel like someone getting ready to fast, trying to horde as much as I can knowing that what I will have in the near future will be limited.

Lack of sleep is not helping my emotional stability either. Its been almost a week since I have slept a full night through without waking to a nightmare. Each time the same one, each time the same reaction. I called my old therapist a couple weeks ago and made an appointment with her but finances and such as they are, its just not feasible right now. I can feel an onslaught of old behaviors waiting to pop up with all the changes going on. Now is the time though that I get to see how far I truly have come. If I am still the little girl running from the nonexistent boogie man or if I am the strong, capable woman the prince thinks I am.

This is the kind of stuff that separates the woman from the girls.

Thursday, April 11, 2002

I have been hit with a sudden attack of the blues. Perhaps melancholy is the more appropriate wording.

So many changes in my life going on right now, so many unknowns and what ifs. Its enough to drive a girl crazy, or at the very least to drive this one to do some retail therapy. My prince and I had a very long deep talk last night. Is the land of royalty in trouble? No, not really. Simply a few dragons to slay. My heart wants to pull the gates up and say ok...all done. Go away now please before I fall more in love with you. Before you have the chance to discard me. I've been hurt so often before and rather than make my heart harder, it has simply made it easier to hurt. And this is just one of those ones that will shred it. This man is everything I have wanted, more than I could hope for. Better than I have a right to expect. He is my prince. The relationship is so complicated to begin with, simply because of who he is, who I am. I fear adding the complexity of a schedule change, one in my life, that it will complicate to the point he walks away. In short, my codependency is rearing its ugly head. Yet I know in my head for me to be that needy will only drive him away and destroy this beautiful relationship. So for now I must stay put. No running allowed, simply one foot in front of the other Shannon, do the next thing in front of you. Oh, how easy the words flow, so much harder to put into action.

I believe in him, I believe in us, I believe in love. Those things will just have to outweigh my fears for now.

Sunday, April 7, 2002

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" - Alcoholics Anonymous - page 83

It may be a promise for all the work done in the first 9 steps and most days I do not regret my past. However as of late I do. Due to not being eligible for a top security clearance I have lost the possibility of the job with the Natl. Guard. It is not the money nor the notoriety I would have received that I am most disappointed in. This was the first real chance I have had since being laid off to fully get back into the computer business. I, like thousands of others, have been kicked out of an industry that just 2 years ago was begging for me to join. An industry that while yes is quite lucrative, is something I also enjoyed doing. On Wednesday I had another round of testing and interviews. All that went very well, Thursday I got the call. As I struggled not to cry into the ear of the president of this consulting firm, my voice cracked as I said the things I knew to say and ended the conversation on the note of being called if anything further should come up that meets my qualifications. My prince knew just what to say and how to comfort the tears away. The disappointment still lingers though silent and private in my heart.

The prince though is wondermous. Things are just going so well. I fear the upcoming schedule changes that we both will have due to work, mine being the new job starting. I know we will find a way to make things work, I'm just not sure what that way is right now.

I got word from my supervisor yesterday that a few of the people want to do something for me leaving, he wasn't sure if I would be comfortable with the attention or not. Yes, I want them to do something, no I don't. I don't want to be the center of attention. Yes, I want to know that I am liked, that I am appreciated.

Such a complex girl I am.

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

Too many decisions for this girl to be made. Too many that involve the furture and will change life as I know it.

I have been offered a job with another company. Granted its more money and better benefits, however it is just as mindless and another job definitely not in the fields I want to be in. The hours will most definitely limit my time with a prince. Perhaps this should not be a factor but it is. I know we will make things work no matter what but the how and what and where and when all sorta scares me. I like plans, specially plans set in stone. That way I know what to expect and even if its not what I want then I can get ok with it eventually. The unknown scares me most.

So many fears involved. Will I be liked? Will I be hated? Will I fail or will I succeed? What if I'm not good at it? What if I hate it? What if I hate it and I give up something I can't get back for it? What if something better comes along? Will they let me go so quickly? What if this takes me farther out of the white collar workforce? What if....

I just wanna grow up and be happy and get married and have kids and grow old with someone I love. All this stuff in between bugs me

Sunday, March 24, 2002

The weekend has flown by, especially for having 2 full days off.

I was able to do something for someone yesterday that was appreciated more than I realized it would be. Something so small and minor to me, yet huge and magnificent for them. It left me with a good feeling.

I also may have a lead into a new career path in at least getting a little taste of it before I commit to the schooling for it. A friend of B works with 8th through 12th graders that have been expelled for whatever reason, in the continuation school setting she counsels and assists them in either being mainstreamed again or getting the skills needed for the *real world* or college. I have been offered the chance to shadow her for a few days and then also if I want to volunteer there working with the kids. Instantly my answer was yes to both. It is something I would love doing, it would be so rewarding and perhaps I could even make a difference for one or two of them. At the very least its something to give back a little to. And its something to get excited about.

I am filled with so many feelings right now, all of them based in fear. Financial insecurity being the biggest right now to the point I am physically sick about it. I realize I am doing all I can to get out of the job I am yet it doesn't seem to be enough yet. Perhaps the interview tomorrow will yield something.

My prince and I are well, a prince and princess. Not all can always be well in the land of royalty, yet we always seem to be able to get things talked through. I have never had this type of communication with a man before and while it is wonderfully refreshing, it is also a tad scary. Scarier though is how well he can read me, how similar our emotions run. By far though the most endearing thing I have experienced is being pulled close to him in a hug and having the words "I love you" whispered into my ear, especially after an emotionally brutal evening.

I have finally accepted that I am, in fact, lovable and worth being loved. Quite a new concept for me.

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

Well it started out as a good day. It got even better and then crashed into a fiery death of tears.

I have an interview Thursday for a consulting job. I'd be an on call consultant to the head of the CA National Guard. Uh hello!?! Woohoo! It may or may not turn into something full time as of now it would be no more than 20 hours a month which lets me use it for play money. We shall see. I then got to talk to my prince and left for work feeling absolutely wondermous. From there it was downhill.

I'm not the best person that works in our building however I am by far not the worst. I have very little tolerance for lazy peopple that not only don't get their work done, pile on work for others. Its simply not something I can accept. It happened tonight as it has before. By the time it did though I was hungry, I was getting tired and just not in the mood for it.

I don't know, so much on my mind. Too many things to try and figure out, not enough wisdom to do so.

Monday, March 18, 2002

Mmmmmmmm. Very good day.

Went to a meeting at G-3 this morning. A woman spoke about having to decide this morning whether to take her own life or go to a meeting. I could so relate to the tone of defeat, the sound of *Its just too damn hard* in her voice. Been there, done it, still happens at times. Sometimes things are just too overwhelming and after struggling day after day, for too many days to count, giving up seems like the only option. To give into the sweet darkness of not existing. Doing the right things as best as you can, knowing that even your best still isn't good enough, knowing that your best isn't enough to let that feeling go away. I need those reminders from time to time. The reminder that things are good, then they suck, yet they always become good again.

I got home to a message regarding my resume. The person and I are playing phone tag. I got home from work from another message from him, as well as an additional message from a second person. I lied when I said I did nothing yesterday, I forgot....I sent out 10 resumes. 8 of those jobs I am actually qualified for. We shall see....it appears tomorrow I have a few calls to make. Woohoo!

I got to spend time with my prince as well. Ahhh...my handsome prince, the one that sets a ray of sunshine into my smile and an over abundance of love in my heart. Oh how I miss him when he is gone. I could easily spend an eternity in this man's arms.

Yes, it was a very good day.

Saturday, March 16, 2002

Amends good. Resentment bad.

I made amends to a person at work today that I was told by several people didn't deserve them nor did my actions lack them. I made them though because the tension bothered me. The hostility bothered me. I actually had to ask what it was I did wrong, and the wrong doings are, I think, an illusion. However, by swallowing my pride and apologizing for hurting this person's feelings, the resentment is put aside. For both of us. I'm not sure I would say we are *friends* again, if only because I'm not sure I want to be. I'm not even sure we ever were to begin with. I think I make a nice hostage at times, a position I admittedly put myself into. A few good points were made however, the one I hated hearing the most is that I'm passive aggressive. It's true, I am. I'm not proud of it, yet its hard to hear. Especially because the alternative of finding a medium between plain bitchiness and rudeness is hard for me to find. I have always been either a total bitch or a doormat. Somewhere in the middle is hard for me to find and maintain. With anyone. Its apparently time I start trying. We'll see what happens from here, at the very least the air is clear and things are more bearable.

Amazing what happens when I put the steps to work.

Thursday, March 14, 2002

I have to take a test today. A test for a job I'm not sure I want.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I have a job. However, the postal service is not something I can recall ever saying I wanted to work for. I am more of a mental energy type worker than a physical. I enjoy getting dressed up everyday for work in khakis and business suits versus jeans and t-shirts. This test will decide whether or not I go further into the postal service industry or not. Does it mean I want to fail? Nope, perfectionist that I am, I want to score the highest on it. I want them to want me. Its just I want my old field to want me more. Since being laid off over a year ago that industry has nose-dived and so many more have been laid off as well. I think most of us are just doing the best we can to keep a hair above the water instead of sinking fully into it.

I hope the tide takes the water down soon.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

To say that I am lucky is an understatement. I am spoiled and loved.

My prince and I pampered each other last night and the evening was most wondermous. There are so many things that I just want to freeze the moment on. Slight glances, light touches. Little silly comments, the giggle that slips out. The catch of his breath, the weight of his body next to mine. These are the things that are priceless. That have no monetary value, yet I know I would pay dearly if they were gone. These are the things that make me feel rich.

I have felt love before. However not like this, not this intense. Not to the point that it can bring me to tears of joy. Not love that 90% of the time I can say will conquer anything that comes our way.

Not long ago my heart was hard and cold, it was angry and bitter. Its true, time does heal all wounds.

Sunday, March 10, 2002

Lingerie shopping is evil. Especially if you try and go alone.

*begin rant*
This stuff is made for men, by men and without any input from women. I'm a comfy kind of girl. I admit, I love my flannel jammies with the extra long pant legs and extra, extra long sleeves. I like the feel of flannel on my skin. I like silk and satin too, don't get me wrong, I like being able to breathe better though. And the prices!! So expensive for something that is so uncomfortable and is only going to be worn for a few minutes (at least that would be the hope). *sigh* Yet I gave in....after many tears of I can't wear that and the cliche-ish I'm too fat for that. I gave in. And how come the stuff never looks the same on me as it does on the models??? What is up with that? Aye, the things we do for love.
*end rant*

All in all a good day, shopping, lunch with B, more shopping, laundry and the park with St, Su and Freedom. St and I are startin a workout tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it. The goal: inches not weight

Friday, March 8, 2002

Scary stuff today. Scary stuff that made me realize how valuable my family with B is.

I was at work, it had been a good day so far. Usual stuff going on, nothing special, I'd be getting the overtime I needed. About 5:30 B came running in crying. They were the shoulder shuddering, convulsive sobs. She grabbed me in a hug and hung on. After a few minutes she said J was in the emergency room. I dropped everything in my hands, ran to my supervisor, said I had a family emergency, grabber me stuff and we left. I vaguely remember the long walk out of the building. I had the sensation that my legs suddenly weighed 500 pounds each and it was hard to lift them. We drove across town in rush hour traffic, the conversation halting and starting with no pattern. My swearing at the drivers in front of us, wondering if I dared drive on the median. He is ok, or will be at least given some time. The whole experience was surreal to say the least. I'm sure the gossip will fly now and I really don't care. It made me realize that they are my true family. Through thick and thin, B and I have gotten through everything together.

A family of choice for me is so much better than a family of chance.

Thursday, March 7, 2002

Ah, what good an ego boost does for the soul.

I took a test today for a different position with the post office. The minimum required was 35 lines typed in 5 minutes. There were 5 of us in this testing session, only one person qualified. I scored 47 lines typed correctly, 0 errors on both the practice and the actual test. They are testing all day, I am not unique as 2 other people passed in the session before. The testing coordinator said *My god* after seeing my practice score and we chatted for a few minutes afterwards. I was told once again, I am not someone who belongs there. Yet it is where I am. Frustrating at best, infuriating most often.

A day off is good for this girl. I managed to get to take a nap, do laundry, get to the grocery store, Sam's Club and fix a healthy dinner. New mission, only healthy eating, or reasonably so. I bought only healthy food with the exception of the standard chocolate cupcakes and cookies for the prince. The good thing, fresh packages mean I'm safe til he breaks them open. *smile*

Tis ER time now. Ah.....my favorite part of this day.

Tuesday, March 5, 2002

I am a cranky girl tonight. Cranky and something else....just not sure what. Yes, I am. I'm angry at myself.

I place myself in situations that require me to have some say in what goes on and yet I continually turn that say over to someone else and then I get upset when what I want isn't being done. Its a no win for anyone involved. Worse, I rarely will say exactly how I'm feeling until the emotions have gotten so much greater than I am. So much greater than they ever had to get. Yet I do it time after time. One would think that by now I would have done it differently. Oh no....far too easy. I'm trying though. In bits and pieces I allow my feeling to seep through, to be communicated and said. Tough stuff being honest with another about what is going on in my crazy head and more so, what is going on in my heart. I'm disappointed in a series of events in the last few days, disappointed in the way things are turning out. While I have a right to my disappointment, as I do for any of my feelings, I need to simply not hold out any hope in how Shannon thinks things should go in the near future.

Yuck.

Sunday, March 3, 2002

Weird day.

I watched B walk through one of those unbelievably painful events today and do it with grace and dignity. Once again reminding me that those qualities are always a choice in any given situation. She did very well.

I went outside during the business meeting at G-3 and one of those fork in the road events happened. I noticed a wallet lying on the brick steps. I picked it up to see who it belonged to and if they were still around. If not I was going to drop it in the mail collection can to be sent back to them. When I opened it there was a large wad of cash, still folded, made up of twenties, tens and fives. A quick count took it over $240. Didn't know the person and after going into the surrounding businesses the owner appeared to be gone. This brat has not been financially very princess like lately and $240 would be fun to play with. I had a war in my head of *no one would know* and *you know this is wrong*. Another friend came down, I showed her the wallet and her suggestion was to take the cash out, put it in an envelope and leave a note in the wallet with my contact info and then put the wallet in the safe. I went upstairs and talked to B, she went through the wallet more thoroughly and was able to find a phone number. I called and the owner's grandmother answered. She was so happy to hear someone called and was on her way to pick it up. I went downstairs to meet her, partially relieved, partially disappointed. I slipped a twenty out, justifying it as if someone else had found it he probably wouldn't be getting any money back at all and what was really $20. I waited and waited, my conscience getting to me more and more. Going back and forth between this probably drug money anyways and this person may only have this much money to live on for the entire month. I believe in karma, I believe in doing the right thing and good things will happen. I knew that taking something from someone without permission was wrong. I also know if I had kept that money, something would be taken from me that I couldn't afford to lose. Deciding that Freedom, my prince, E or B was not worth a measly $20, I put it back in the wallet. 5 minutes later, the grandmother showed up. A small frail older woman with a kind face and a beautiful voice. She was so grateful and tried to give me money for calling and returning her grandson's wallet. I was ashamed that I had even considered keeping his money, ashamed of my greed and selfishness. Too ashamed to accept any money from her. I told it was a karma thing and I was just glad he was getting it back. She had tears in her eyes when she asked my name, she gave me a hug and said God bless you. Yes, I have already been blessed. Blessed with a conscience that doesn't allow me to easily hurt others, to allow me to steal without remorse and that doesn't allow me to be accept a reward for doing what is simply the right thing. I'll get a reward for doing the right thing, it may not be monetary, I may not even know what it is when it happens or why I got it. I do know though that if I had lost something I needed or wanted, that event would have been the reason behind it and I would know it.

This event proved to me that while I made the right choice eventually, I am not all good. If she had showed up sooner, I wouldn't have had the time to consider it, the time to think my actions all the way through or the effect my actions would have on others. It was a God thing that it took her as long as it did to get there.

I do miss my prince though. Immensely.

Wednesday, February 27, 2002

The detachment is still there, however it is cushioned with a great deal of love and acceptance. Not simply coming from my heart but from the heart of my prince. One thing that I treasure so much in the relationship is the conversations we have in each others arms, last night was no exception. I confessed to him what was going on for me and aside from not being upset, he in fact, already knew and had a little going on himself. I have never experienced the overwhelming rush of love as I did last night. We have communication, something I have lacked in most other relationship. And yet, as serious as the conversation turns, it inevitably dissolves into tickling and giggling within minutes later.

Ah, this stuff simply baffles me.

Tuesday, February 26, 2002

Call it self-defense, protecting my heart, whatever. The bottom line is that I can feel myself trying to detach. Not in a bad way, just trying to not be the needy, clingy, codependent girl of my past. I have learned I can't rely on anyone to fulfill my needs for me, if my needs aren't being met, I need to figure out what to do to fill them and then do it. I have to find my happiness within otherwise, when the honeymoon wears off, things turn ugly....fast. And its not even that I am unhappy or that needs aren't being met...yet. Not sure I like the detachment phase, not sure there is another alternative. Not sure of much right now. Other than there is an abundance of love and hope and joy...and that I don't want to ruin anything.

Completely different topic, the new Alanis Cd is awesome. Precious Illusions could be my new theme song.

Sunday, February 24, 2002

It must be the full moon, perhaps PMS, perhaps the cosmic alignment of the planets. I just know I am a tad bit more emotional than usual. Crying far too easily at the good and the bad. The day was a good one. At least in comparison. While granted, I got very little done, I did get to spend a lot of time with B and Freedom. B and I counted money for the group, went to the coffee place right next to it and hung out for a while, Freedom got to come with us and enjoy the weather and people watching. I had a reasonably healthy dinner (an artichoke and Fettuccine Alfredo) and then took a nap around 8. My next stop is a hot bath, relaxing music, candles, tea and then to bed.

*yawn* Tomorrow will be a good day too. It has to be.

Saturday, February 23, 2002

Today sucked. The song Bad Day keeps repeating in my head. Had a bad day again Ay vey. I give up. The people I work around are insane. Not simply insane, sophmorically insane. Since when did we revert to junior highism? Gawd. I am tired of being the source of gossip, tired of being nothing more than a source of amusement. Oh I know its not personal, yet they have made it so. Ugh. Make it all go away. Someone, anyone. The stress and frustration from it is starting to get to me physically as well. I can feel the beginnings of a migraine, I spent most of the day sick to my stomach and once again, I'm not sleeping like I should. This is no way for anyone to live. I did send out 6 resumes today (go me!) plus another 10 or so throughout the week. Something has got to pan out.

It simply has to. My dog is keeping me sane right now. Pretty tough task for such a sweet pooch, he seems to be relishing the role though. My prince, my poor prince, I think is at a loss of what to do with me. There simply isn't any way for him to change the situation or do more than he is doing.

Tonight, thank God for the 2 men in my life.

Friday, February 22, 2002

I have so many things on my lil brain tonight yet the ones that keep coming up the most are at the extremes of happiness and hurt.

I am tired of people slamming me at work. I talk to very few of the 1,000 that work there and have any issue with far fewer. I show up every day and work my butt off, regardless of what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. I jump from work area to work area helping people out and try to be sociable along the way. I overheard a conversation tonight that well, summed up, people think I use the few people I am friends with, that I slept my way into keeping my job and that basically I am a snobby bitch. Perhaps I should have confronted these people, perhaps it should not bother me. What hurts though is that I heard it first hand. Sure, it can be summed up as jealousy, dislike, whatever and granted, I can be pretty vicious too, however I try not to be. I try to keep in my mind that everyone has feelings, and no one wants to hear bad things about themselves, even if I think I'm right. Need new job. Now.

On the flip side, my prince is absolutely wondermous. When told of the situation he did the most perfect thing he could have at that time. He simply hugged me and gave me a kiss and told me they are wrong. Rather than get impatient that some people so meaningless to me said something mean and I took it to heart, rather than get overly protective, he simply comforted me. Once again, Ah. I do love this man. If only for his wisdom in how to handle my feelings about stuff. I know I am highly sensitive, overly passionate about things and in general, pretty emotional. He laughs at my excitement and stays happy with me about the most mundane to him, he relishes in my giggling, he holds me when I'm scared, and wipes the tears away when I am sad. He lets me have my fears, knowing that to me, they are real and huge. Rather than trying to *fix* things when I am sad, he allows me to have my pain, yet comforts me while I'm in it. This is one of those *once in a lifetime* kind of men for me.

I am grateful tonight that I am blessed with his presence in my life.

Thursday, February 21, 2002

Ah. One simple word to sum up a wondermous day.

I took E to the zoo (her first time) and we saw lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) along with the other animals. I think she was tied for having the giraffes and the monkeys as her favorite. We got home and Auntie Shannon needed a nap! She cuddled up with me for a little while, I dozed off and she stayed awake and watched her movie. How is that I wonder? After J and B picked her up my prince called. We talked for a few minutes and then I got stuff done around here that had been piling up all week.

This man never ceases to leave me in wonderment at the emotions I feel for him. At times I think *This is what its supposed to be like. This is how relationships are supposed feel*. None of the petty arguing or insecurities that I have experienced in the past. This is not to say that I am perfect and the other person was the problem. Not at all. It is simply to say that for once I can see the growth in me before someone else points it out. By nature, being insecure, jealous and stubborn, I can be difficult, by this point of the relationship major arguments may have happened at least once more than likely several times. Its completely different with my prince. Its not that we don't disagree or think differently, nor is it that the other person is always caving in, I think we both just know when its stupid enough to simply drop the subject. I caught myself today thinking, *So this is love and happiness. WOW!*

Yep, Ah, definitely sums it up.

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

I'm tired. I was in a strangely good but bratty mood today. It was rather nice. I'm babysitting E tomorrow YAY!

I was listening to my walkman as I worked and heard a new song. I had heard it a few times and liked it enough to get it stuck in my head. Tonight though the lyrics hit me much like a 1000 watt bulb coming on. Perhaps it is time for me to take these wise words to heart.

THE MIDDLE by Jimmy Eats World
hey
don't write yourself off yet.
it's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
just try your best
try everything you can.
and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

(chorus)
it just takes some time
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
everything everything will be just fine
everything everything will be all right

hey
you know they're all the same.
you know you're doing better on your own so don't buy in.
live right now.
just be yourself.
it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

(chorus)

do your best
do everything you can
dont you worry what their bitter hearts are going to say

Tuesday, February 19, 2002

Work was well, work, far too much mail, I got buried in the task at hand. While intellectually I realize I am not a superwoman, I am very much a perfectionist. I should be able to handle to work load by myself, all the time regardless of the volume. At least that's how I feel. Around 6 or so, my supervisor put someone else with me and even she and I couldn't keep up. By 10 or so, there were 4 of us and the mail was still overflowing. Yet my little head thinks I should have been able to handle all of that by myself. The mail quit running so heavy around 11 and by 11:45 we were finally finished. It the first time in a long time that our department shut down as late as it did. A good 90 minutes to 2 hours later than normal.

I did get to see my prince though today. I find myself thinking more and more of him as the days progress. If I thought I knew the extent of love before, I was wrong. Not simply the extent I am able to love, but also the extent at which I can be loved. I have been able to accept through this relationship that I truly am lovable. I have been able to let go of some of the old ideas that I am worthless, unlovable and unwanted. Regardless of what might happen in the future, I have the knowledge now that those things are untrue and completely inaccurate. For this I am grateful today.

Monday, February 18, 2002

At the meeting on Friday I heard from a very unlikely source, the reminder that we all have the power to make someone's day. Even if it is with something as simple as a smile. This is true of course. It didn't really click for me though until tonight when I was thinking that certain people in my life have the power to also break my day. Generally its with something as minor as a flippant comment I take to heart. I don't hate being so sensitive anymore like I used to, at times though, I do wish it would ease up a bit. That my skin would thicken or my heart harden, even just a tad. Or perhaps I wish people knew the effect they had on me. Maybe that they could glimpse the little girl inside just wanting to be accepted and loved, the one that giggles and smiles while pouting. The same one that gets tired of being judged by stuff on the outside that she doesn't even see.

It's not that today was a bad day...it wasn't. It just wasn't all that great either. I know that I take on too many things at work sometimes. And in my former jobs, it always worked to my advantage. More responsibilities and projects lead to more recognition and respect which meant up the ladder faster and better money. Where I'm at now though...it means nothing other than more work. Its hard though not to continue to work as I always have, even harder not to expect the rewards that come from that hard work.

I MUST find a new job.

Friday, February 15, 2002

I chaired a meeting today for my sobriety birthday. My sponsor, B, said things that of course caused tears to well up. She said that while she is not only my sponsor, I am her best friend, that I have held her up through things, and walked through things with her. She called me a blessing and said she was proud. She also said that in the last year I have walked through some of the more horrendous things and that instead of curling up or giving up, I came through them with my head held high. While this is true yes, during these times I have simply been doing what Shannon does. I figure out what's going on, why its happening and what I need to do to change it or myself to get through it. I am no saint and most often it is neither pretty or graceful as I do it. Most often I stomp my foot, claim *It's not fair!* and cry before going on. However I do go on.

It never seems to amaze me that at the times in my life I am feeling low about myself, things change to the complete opposite so quickly. In the last 2 days I have been shown the impact I have made on people's lives. The positive footprints that I have left on their hearts. I am extremely blessed with the people I have in my life, the people I have chosen to surround myself with.

God does do for me what I cannot do for myself.

Thursday, February 14, 2002

Today has been one of those days that I want to freeze. A day that can then be taken out in bits and pieces, as needed for the days to come. It could not have been more perfect, it could not have been planned better. I am the source of affection and love for a man that I feel the same about. The feelings experienced today are nothing less than miraculous when I look at where I was 3 short years ago, even more so where I was 1 year ago.

My life is not perfect, this I freely admit, I have made a great many mistakes and unwise choices. My life is good though. I have a job, I have my sobriety, more so I have people in my life that love me and that I love. Because of the path I have taken, I am who I am. Someone with strength and character, compassion and conviction.

Days like this one leave me content, grateful and wanting nothing more than I already have. This, a rarity for me. I am truly happy in this moment in time. Thank you my prince.