The neighbors... seem to want to start a war in regards to reporting info. I just want to live peacefully without bass. What's worse, the apartment office asked if they would be willing to come in and all of us would try and work things out. Their response: "We'll have to think about it". Gee, it obvious your motives there. Ugggghhh. I can't wait to move.

The prince and I are doing much much better. We spent all day yesterday just playing and laughing, dinner out and a video in. It was so nice to just be. Today I am so very thankful that I know him. My life would be so plain without him.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

I had fun. A lot of it and it was what I needed. We drove to Marysville (a sentimental spot for us, long story) and had dinner and played video games and stuff. Went shopping for the boys for X-mas some more. I do love Toys-r-us. Came home and went and got Baker's Square pie, rented a video and vegged out. Rented Spiderman, his choice, and ended up turning it off half way thru... even he got bored. It was just nice to be able to be *normal*.

Then I had a dream last night, the day started out like yesterday but after dinner he had to leave to go on a *business trip*. And no, I didn't believe it was a business trip. Very strange to have such a wonderful evening alone with him and then to wake up feeling so jealous. Weird.

It was a wonderful night though and even the neighbors just let things be.

Saw something slither under the fridge.... I moved it a little bit and it was a lizard. Prolly round 4 inches long. Yep uh huh I freaked. Ended up having to go next door to get the guy that lives there to catch it for me. Eeeeeeeek!

Things that crawl are sooooo not for me

How things stand now: We create a different version of us. Not that I have any clue as to what any of that means however.... I'm not above trying. The alternatives sure as hell aren't working. And yet at the same time, I am trying to do things different without a rule book and that to me is as confusing as all hell. How do I alter my behavior when I am not sure what to alter it to? And do I really want to alter it just to please someone else? We went shopping yesterday for his kids for X-mas and he kept saying "We got them this...." in regards to her. So ick. I know its not intentional but....

Went and saw Ghost Ship with my upstairs neighbor. Was good, lil scary but not Freddy and Jason scary. Ya know?

PM

Friday, November 15, 2002

That little girl inside feels so discarded and thrown away and even though that is not the case. I cannot seem to convince her that I will take care of her and that we don't have to have him to be whole. That even if he never does come back, we will be ok.

Mostly though I just want to sleep.

AM

There are simply too many feelings right now. Or anger. Of hurt. Of fear. Of confusion. The phrase that keeps reverberating is "I don't understand". He and I talked last night and I could feel the old behaviors wanting to rear their ugly heads. The ones of "Fine, I'll show you by hurting me" and that scared me. I worked so hard to get rid of the part of me, I can't afford to have it come back. The pain will pass, my life will go on. The question is how to cope until it does. The one person in the world I want to be here to hold is the one I can't have. I want out of my own skin so bad.

Perhaps if I was just losing him, I could cope. Perhaps if I was just losing my home, I could cope. Instead, I am losing them both and while ranting at the injustices in the world feels ok for a moment, it doesn't last. And I am left with me again.

I want to be numb. I want to not feel.

The prince and I are no more. At least for now. For reasons I can't really post on here, things have to be over for now. For the sake of my sanity and my heart.Tuesday night we mutually agreed that it was time. And while the phrase "not goodbye, its see you later" was used, I still feel as though I have lost my best friend in addition to my boyfriend. We have a love that was unlike anything I have experienced before and I'm not sure I'll ever be so lucky again. Yet the actions that have to be taken aren't ones that I can do. Perhaps that is the most frustrating part of all. That there is absolutely nothing more I can do to fight for the relationship.

It also appears I will be moving back into my mom's house. Financially, the stress of trying to make it is just too much. My unemployment covers rent. And that's about it. I dread going back to my mom's house. We are so very different and the idea of living in a 2 pack a day smoke filled house in a room I had when I was 4 makes tears well up. I know I should be grateful I have a place to go, however I haven't been able to find that gratitude yet.

I have sent out so many resumes, filled out so many applications, I'm walking away from my soul mate and the love of my life. Now I'm giving my home up too. Yet, I'm still sober. And while AA says that resentment is my number 1 offender, I disagree. In my experience its apathy. At least for me. When I stop caring about things around me, I stop caring about me.

The prince and I are having serious problems. I think we have started to doubt the reality of living happily ever after. Its funny... certain things seem bearable until suddenly they are not. I realize how simply obvious that sounds but it has taken me 11 months to find that out. I am so very confused and scared and resentful. I am resentful for something I have no right to be resentful towards him about. And in truth, I think I am more resentful at myself for it. So very confused. I need to make a list. Of what I want, what I can do and what I need. Yeah. Uh huh. The talk last night and the thinking today has left me feeling very ill.

The job fair really sorta kinda sucked. Hardly anyone there and most of the recruiters did the normal "over qualified" statement after I handed my resume in. Still no word back on the data entry thing, lotsa phone calls made today. I even steam cleaned my carpets.

Tomorrow is workout, drop off clothes donation and give blood. Yeah right.

Somewhat of a rough day though. The prince and I got into a fight when I hit a boiling point in the frustration of waiting. I don't do well with flakiness or things requiring patience. Anymore then "let me call you back in a few minutes" can easily translate into no phone call for me. I have finally gotten to a point in my life when I am able to see what is acceptable and what is not. What is tolerable and what isn't. I have finally gotten to a point where I can communicate those feelings and that I feel like its ok for me to have them. For so long I didn't feel like I was worth having standards. And that if I did set them I would surely be left because I should have just been grateful to have anyone at all. Its just not like that anymore. Maybe things don't have to be perfect however I am entitled to my feelings and to have them honored.

Today I am worth a lot more than the dirt I walk on.

As in a lot more than normal. It hasn't helped that its been a rather boring day anyway. I love the rain and the wind but its definitely cuddle weather. And not with the dog. Speaking of which, I posted a few new pictures of him today on the site. He is simply too cute for words. I did finally clean out my closet though. 3 bags later, looks like I'll be making a trip to WEAVE tomorrow to drop clothes off. I am such a pack rat its borderline obsessive.

H called and is having a really hard time getting past the anger and depression and stuff. I'm having a hard time not carrying the resentment from so long ago when she couldn't be there for me. Its hard to stand by and do for her what she could not do for me when I needed it. Recovery has taught me to lead by example and I can only hope I am doing that. I continue to suit up and show up, especially on the days I don't want to. I continue to write even though I'm not sure anyone even reads this.

I'm very sleepy now. Good night.

What can I say? I'm better. A little. Sorta.

I seem to do much better when I have been into the solution instead of hanging in the problem. I know... go figure. I've been ok yesterday and today. Mainly I think because I got my ass up and went to an interview and then did the required assessment tests. Gratefully, the feeling has carried through today, for the most part.

I'm still very tired though. Time to go watch mindless tv and wait for the prince.

I know depression has set in when I want to spend 23 hours in bed asleep.

Over 50 resumes in the last 6 days... 2 calls. The first woman  gave me the wrong # to call her back at, as she did to the other candidates as well. The second job, while I'm extremely over-qualified for it and its not enough to pay my bills, its a job and I interview tomorrow. Oh gee... I can do data entry for car parts. I can't keep doing life like this. While the prince has been great about it, it is taking a toll on our relationship.

Please god let something come through. Soon. Please.

I'm bored. And uninspired. And unproductive (sort of). And anxious. But mostly... I'm bored.

Boring, boring, boring day. Albeit, somewhat productive, I washed my car and cleaned up the house a little, sent out more resumes. And I got to see H and walk a lot with her and Freedom. Still though, very boring.

I'm worried about my prince and the stuff he is going through. More so I have that feeling of helplessness and powerlessness (go figure) and that irritates me. He made the comment yesterday though that I am good at communicating and it got me thinking. I know that while I talk a lot, and I do get things out, I didn't come by it naturally. Its because of AA and recovery that I have learned how to talk and how to admit to crappy feelings of fear. How to own my own side of something without saying its all the other person's fault. I've also learned how to let the other person own their own stuff should they choose to. What I am still working on is the listening part. Its not that its I'm not interested in what is being said, its that I am so excited or enthusiastic about the stuff in my head that it just flies out. Sometimes before I even knew I was thinking it. My brain goes so fast. Too fast sometimes. Aye. See what I mean?

I'm going back to bond with my couch and my dog.

"Sometimes you can do everything right and things still suck". ~ H.

I didn't say it originally but it certainly applies to my life right now. I got a call today, the job I was so looking forward to starting on Monday has been canceled. Worse, since being offered the contract I have said no to interviews and a job offer. Yet, I am still unemployed. I am hurt, bitter, angry and disappointed to say the least. I have sent out tons of resumes, gone on a few interviews and done all the foot work to get a job. I have done the right thing and things still suck. I'm angry that the powers that be haven't seen fit to provide a job. Worse I am resentful at all those that have gotten jobs through no work of their own.

I need a job. Anyone hiring? Donations currently being accepted. Will design for cash. Or food. Or stuff. Gawd things suck.

Oh yeah......Happy Halloween.

What? Huh? I didn't do it. Wasn't me. Find someone else.

I've felt a little spacey the last few days. And a little tired. And just well, bleh. It'll pass. Specially once I start working again.

I got new neighbors upstairs on Sunday. They both seem very nice and best of all, quiet. Weehoo! And he is a computer guy so there is something in common right off the bat.

Going back to lay down. Again.

Oh I don't know... love and life simply baffles me.

I do love my prince. By far, I have been treated better in the last year by him than in all my other relationships combined. Gifts for no reason, implicit trust, incomparable intimacy and unwavering loyalty. Our situation though is complicated and complex, requiring a lot of patience and understanding and well, I am running out of both. I'm still there, hoping and praying that I am given enough to get through today.

I was sitting at a stoplight last night and kinda doin the "white girl rockin out in her car thing" and a group of women pulled up next to me. They were obviously a bit more of the "hip hop" persuasion and my thoughts instantly were to throw a dirty look their way. Mind you they did nothing wrong. They hadn't even looked my way yet. I stopped myself before I did anything and before they saw anything and had to ask what the hell it was about. That's when I realized, its just such old behavior to go on the offense so I can't be hurt by not fitting in. Its such the little girl inside of me wanting to hurt them before they try to hurt me. My little girl was afraid they would think I looked stupid because they caught her having fun.

Today, I will let that girl inside out to play and just be herself. Its time to start reading Sark again.

Mmmmmmmk.... here's the deal. I am just me.

Yes, simply, plainly and only me. The only Shannon Leigh I know how to be. I am moody and sensitive and funny and caring and generous and at time righteous and sometimes, I'm even pretty damn bitchy. Bottom line, I am me.

And if that's not ok then leave me alone. Do not make me feel bad because I am disappointed or sad or anything because ya know

I'm not bitter and angry right now, however this is subject to change.

This week has been the week of "The things people say". Things that while maybe it wasn't meant one way its how it came out and well, the end result not being so pretty. I'm ok right now though. Resigned to certain resentments always existing and resigned to others being let go while my back was turned.

Yesterday was bunches o bunches of fun though. A friend and I went to the Renaissance Faire and whoa buddy! I went once before in AZ, but it was uncostumed and while fun, a tad boring. Yesterday though! We went in costume with people that knew what they were doing and while I couldn't talk the talk, I definitely walked the walk. Way fun. Playing dress up is good for the soul.

Also very much looking forward to going back to work. I did mention I got a job right? Oh, well, sorry, its only temporary, but the company keeps taking me back, and I think that looks good on a resume, especially since its contracts ending and not me walking. =) I start November 4th. Shannon not working is not a pretty sight. The prince is good, the mutt is good and for now, its bedtime for this princess.

Fair thee well all.

I cannot say exactly why. I just know that there is a huge resentment lurking inside. One that is bigger than I want it to be and has been growing for quite sometime. I first noticed the f%@#er on Saturday and tried to talk it out and well, that didn't go too well. Since then it has only gotten bigger. I know the things that are adding to it, however I also know those are the things that just make up the surface and there are bigger and bader issues and ugh... I hate dealing with this stuff. It makes me very tired. I know what I want to say but yet I also know I want that stuff validated and it might not be and I don't want to hurt any feelings, especially not this person's but I am tired of hurting and ugh....

See? I'm just gonna go listen to the Cranberries and go to bed.

I need some ideas on something new for my site. Why don't I update? Because adding the same stuff is boring. I want NEW, spectacular, wonderful or wacky. Something just different.

So I've been looking around... trying to see what inspires, what I want, what I like. Maybe something a little like his or maybe a little like this one. I just dunno.
Personal webpages are yes, a dime a dozen, and while mine still receives its fair share of hits for being just about life, I want more. (Sound familiar to anyone?) I think its time to learn something new. Mayhaps iFrames or some new java. My problem is laziness, there's a script out there for anything so having to write my own has become a thing of the past. (Thank gawd)

If you have ideas, email me. Constructive and free ones only please. Oh and while I just started Lord of the Rings, I'm outta books. Send me some ideas there too. Please. Thanks. Ok. Buh-bye.