The Journal of a Brat
December 2002 through April 2003
| Wednesday, April 30, 2003 |
I have done a lot of soul searching on whether or not to continue with this journal. It was hard to take it down, at times it has been hard to take the criticism, however it has always been wonderful to hear that someone relates to what I have written, to hear that I have touched them in some way. This journal is for me, not the reader. It is my path, my healing that I am following, not another's. The program already in progress will now resume. I spent most of yesterday in the county clinic. Seems that I am getting the run around from anyone and everyone I talk to about how to get some help. I just want to get my finger fixed. I just want to be able to get into whatever doctor will take me. The process is frustrating and combative. I wondered several times yesterday if it is designed that way to discourage its use. Well, it ain't gonna on this one. |
| Friday, April 25, 2003 |
I just had the best night I can ever remember having. I was given 2 tickets to see Les Miserables by M.A.. It was amazing. The scenery, the costumes, the actors, the music, the story. Oh wow. I didn't really know anything about the story before going and by the end I had tears. It was just so amazing. I'll write tomorrow but tonight my dreams will be filled with Cosette and Jean Valjean and Paris in the 1800's. |
| Thursday, April 24, 2003 |
Went shopping today with my *little sister*. Had fun, found a beautiful dress for her. No call from UCD yet. Going to bed early, tomorrow is a busy big day. Heard M is having problems on the home front. Can't say I don't feel bad, yet at the same time I don't. Part of me wants him to lose everything like I have. Part of me wants to protect him. The problems he's having though, for once don't involve me and as always they were inevitable. Partially I simply wonder *what took so long*. |
| Wednesday, April 23, 2003 |
Not much to say. Decent day. Started off rocky but got better. May have found a surgeon through UC Davis. *keeping the claw crossed* We'll see, the surgeon is supposed to call me tomorrow. Trying to focus on some things to avoid thinking of others. Blah. |
| Tuesday, April 22, 2003 |
Good day playing with Su for a belated Easter celebration. Got wonderful gifts from M.A. this morning. Am now up to date even with a cell phone. Imagine that. Playing phone run around trying to get a surgeon for my hand. In the meantime the clocking is ticking down before the *rebreak and then surgery* phase. Not one I want to go through. Any hand surgeons out there? I'll be your best friend. |
| Monday, April 21, 2003 |
Very tired brat. Too much action for this one. Hand hurts. Off to bed. |
| Sunday, April 20, 2003 |
Happy Easter! Had a wonderful day with wonderful food with B and family. Laughed and giggled and played with my 2 little sisters. Busy week ahead but with good stuff for the most part. Friday will be the best day by far but will elaborate then about it. Sleepytime for this exhausted girl. |
| Friday, April 18, 2003 |
Need surgery to put a chunk of bone back into place in my pinkie. Will lose some mobility and still have stiffness even with surgery. With out it, it make become non functioning. Need to get the surgery done in the next 2 weeks or so. In the mean time I am all taped up and have a claw for typing. Entries will be short unless I get a tangent going. |
| Thursday, April 17, 2003 |
I had a job interview today. Went well until they asked me to do a typing test. They understood and I'' go back when things aren't so black and blue and *ahem* BROKEN. Other than that, decent day. Nothing major to say. Orthopedic surgeon in the morning tomorrow... should be interesting. |
| Wednesday, April 16, 2003 |
I hate the m-f-er. Hate hate hate. Or perhaps the problem is that I don't and that I stupidly still love him. He admitted tonight to someone that I was not the first, nor only, affair. Oh he told me about a woman very early in his marriage that he was attracted to. The difference is that he told me it never was an affair. That he wanted more than she did and he wasn't willing to risk his then childless marriage for a fling. So nothing came of it. Tonight though, he admitted differently. So if he knew he didn't want to be with his wife... kids were supposed to make it better? Don't get me wrong, I have loved his kids from the day he introduced me to them. And they loved me. But why have children with someone you know you don't want to be with. Gawd I was gullible and naive to ever have trusted him. More though she is plain stupid for taking him back. Again. |
| Tuesday, April 15, 2003 |
Graceful I am not. However I am not normally this ungraceful. While leaving my lawyers office to go to the deposition, I missed a step on the stairs. Head over heels I went down about 11 steps. I thought initially only my pride was hurt. When we got in the car, my lawyer looked at my hand. My pinkie was turning colors and was off the side a bit. Yep, it's broken. But it gets better. I not only broke it, I broke it in the *wrong* place. The doctor said something about pins possibly being needed so I now have to see an orthopedic surgeon on Friday. We got to the other lawyer's office and I was wanting just to get it over with. I was willing to tough it out. But he got called to court because a jury came back on one of his cases. So the whole thing was unnecessary to begin with. This kind of stuff could only happen to me. |
| Monday, April 14, 2003 |
Uneventful day. Kind of nice. Saw the chiropractor this morning and on the way home went back and looked at the desk again. Talked to one of the salespeople about it and it can't be changed like I want it. The upside I found one in a catalog of theirs though and he said he'd sell it to me at their cost! Woohoo! Tomorrow is the deposition for the lawsuit and like a dork I also scheduled an interview too so I need to call in the morning and move that. And call PP for the results of the tests. Tomorrow marks a year since I quit the post office. Gawd what a crappy year. |
| Sunday, April 13, 2003 |
Better day than yesterday. Lazed around this morning and then took more stuff over to storage. Then went with a friend and saw What a Girl Wants courtesy of passes my angel gave me. Cute movie, even if it is rated G. We talked a lot about exs and M of course came up. How I wish love was like a faucet that I could just turn on and off. Even after everything he has done and said... I'd probably still let him back if he tired. Way sick I know. I am still way tired. Off to bed I go. |
| Saturday, April 12, 2003 |
The trip got cancelled. I woke up not feeling so good anyway but I was still planning on going. Then around 3 B called and said J was really hurting and could I take him to the ER because she was still at work. Got over there and the poor man couldn't even get off the couch. Something with his hip and leg. They live upstairs and there was no way I could carry him down and no way he could walk. Ended up having to call an ambulance so the paramedics could help him down. 6 hours later they are still there, no idea what is going on. My stomach is all jacked up... I'm off to bed. |
| Friday, April 11, 2003 |
Blah. I'm just blah tonight. No particular reason, just am. Went today and got tested for all the wonderful STD's. Ah.... the fun part of ending a relationship. It'll be Monday before the results come in. Going out of town tomorrow and Sunday to see B's oldest daughter's school play. Should be fun, a girl's weekend at the very least. I stopped by a furniture place on the way home from the dr's. I think I might have found a desk I like. Its more than I wanted to pay but I think it could actually work. I'm just so danged tired though. |
| Thursday, April 10, 2003 |
St, Su and I went and played tonight. Yummy yummy food from TGI Fridays and then a trip to the mall. I used the remainder of my Victoria's Secret gift certificate to buy new jammies. Albeit they are a size too big, it was the only pair they had and I love them. Su and I played and played and laughed and laughed. Gawd I love that kid so much. Gonna watch my taped copy of ER and head to bed. |
| Wednesday, April 9, 2003 |
Long day. But a good one. I went to a workshop tonight for the postal exam. While at first I was scared to take it, I feel a lot better now about it. I have some practicing to do but I think I'll be ok. I hate tests. Especially timed ones. Throughout everything that happened with M, I was give an angel of sorts. He came out of nowhere, Not one I was looking for but desperately needed. He accepted me, as me, no questions asked, no strings attached. My gratitude for him far exceeds my capacity for words. And petty yes but for some odd reason it makes me laugh... her rating on HotOrNot is a 7.3. I am quite happy with my rating: 8.7. |
| Tuesday, April 8, 2003 |
Met with a new friend for lunch. Had a great time discussing the *ahem* ignorance of men and the practice of *faking it*. I pity the poor man sitting at the table behind us with his girlfriend. I'm sure he got way more info than he needed. Not a bad day. Nothing extraordinary either way. |
| Monday, April 7, 2003 |
I got my new computer tonight. It's sooooo perfect. I got things done in a quarter of the time. Granted it has a long way to go before things are up and running like normal, I got more done tonight than I thought I would. I even have XP Professional so there is something new to learn. YAY! |
| Sunday, April 6, 2003 |
Happy Sunday. Took the mutt to the park for a run. I'm not too crazy about the park over here. Must find a new one. The people over here are a bit scary looking, I felt like I was walking into the middle of their drug deals. I get my computer tomorrow. YAY! My car is going back in the shop again tomorrow too. The seat is still messed up. Not sure how I am feeling about the cutie. He's nice but.... I dunno. Also have heard that someone is still causing trouble for M. While I don't wish it on him, there isn't much I can do either. I get torn between wanting to protect him and wanting to relish in his pain. I can be uch a bitch sometimes. Bedtime for me. |
| Saturday, April 5, 2003 |
Lazy, lazy day. Cleaned up the backyard, did laundry, played video games and watched movies. I needed it today though. I've had something going almost everyday for the last 6 weeks and I am just tired. Plus emotionally, I'm weird today. Uh huh, weird. For the first time in a while, I'm not sure what I am feeling or why. I know it will clarify itself in time, but being impatient girl that I am, I want it NOW. |
| Friday, April 4, 2003 |
4:30 P.M. I'm way nervous and there are still 4 hours to go!. M and I never really went out on dates. Because of the nature of our relationship, mostly we stayed at my place. And in the beginning it was always after he got off work only. Towards the end we went out when he took days off work, but even then we couldn't stay in Sac, so it was always a roadtrip to Marysville, Yuba City or Davis. Oh it was fun but it wasn't like it was a date. I opted to take my own car tonight, but we're meeting at his apartment. And while I'm not sure what he's expecting, I know me and my values. I and I don't sleep with someone on the first date. Part of me hopes word of the date has leaked back to M, part of me hopes not. There is that sick stupid part that holds on to a shred of hope that he'll come for me. That little girl that is still waiting to be rescued by the prince. I haven't seemed to be able to convince her yet that we don't need rescuing and certainly not for him. He can't even seem to save his own ass from what I've heard. Have to take Freedom to the vet for his check up and then back to get ready and then I am off! Eeeeeeeeeek! 1:15 A.M. The movie was great. He seems really nice. A little chemistry there, not tons but more than none. Only one thing wrong, he is already willing to introduce his daughter to me. Sorry, while I may not have kids, its my belief that they shouldn't meet the significant other til things are serious. Its a minor issue but we'll see. I think I might see him again tomorrow night. Off to bed for me. |
| Thursday, April 3, 2003 |
I drove out to Woodland today to meet with my client about his site. The site is mostly finished being re-vamped. I'll get my new computer the beginning of next week. I already have backed everything up. I can't wait! 1 GHz, 256 MB of RAM, 30 GB HD and a burner. Wooohooo!!!! Talked to the cutie this evening and we're going to go see Dreamcatcher tomorrow night. I'm nervous, I admit. I normally don't do the dating thing, I just do relationships. I am trying so hard not to a) put much stock into one date and b) not compare and contrast him with M. I feel like a 13 year old all over again. Its not a great feeling. It'll be fun I hope, at the very least interesting. =) |
| Wednesday, April 2, 2003 |
Not a bad day at all. I went and did the move-out inspection this morning. Bittersweet to say the least, I will miss that place in a lot of ways. I'm getting my full deposit back too! Woohoo! The things that were damaged were all normal wear and tear so I get the whole thing back. I'm hoping to do a little shopping with it and put the rest into my savings account to have to move out with. Also got a call from the guy I am doing the website for. He wanted a *few changes* made that turned into re-vamping the entire site. It kept me busy though so I guess its a good thing. I also talked to the cutie from the body shop. He called a few times today and we have a date Friday night. He has a 7 year old and has been divorced for 6 years and his last relationship was over a year ago. No making the same mistake twice for this girl! |
| Tuesday, April 1, 2003 |
Got my car fixed. New battery, radio, the trunk everything. The guy I have been dealing with there is a cutie. Older than me yes, but way cute and great eyes. He would jokingly ask about Freedom every time because of all the dog hair. He asked this morning when I dropped it off where he was so I brought him with me to pick up the car. Freedom liked him. The cutie called me tonight, from his home phone around 7. Didn't leave a message but I wonder why a auto body shop manager would call a customer at home at night from their home?? Of course I am already picking out china patterns. Can we say rebound. I got a really sweet email last night from an someone I used to work with at the post office. Not someone I knew well, but more of a smoking friend. In it she included this poem by Maya Angelou called I'll Rise, it was far too fitting. Went to Leatherby's with St and had fun. Turned into an ok day. |
| Monday, March 31, 2003 |
I'm back. At least physically. Mentally, eh, I'll survive. B says I should write a book. I got my car back today but things aren't right. Or even close to it. Got it home where I discovered the trunk isn't flush with the body of the car on one side, doesn't latch properly or consistently, the seat is still jacked up and the battery is dead. Because they had it and rarely if at all ran it in 26 days, a cell on the battery is dead. It was fine before they got a hold of it. I have a call in to them to find out when they are replacing my battery and fixing everything else. Oy vey. Things are mostly unpacked but cramped. Good motivation to move out I suppose. I'm just done. Mentally I am way fried right now. I need about a week of sleep and a year of someone holding me. |
| Saturday, March 29, 2003 |
Moving day. I'll be offline for the next couple days. If you try to reach me, be patient, I'll respond when things are reconnected. |
| Thursday, March 27, 2003 |
I'm too tired to say much. Went to dinner with St and Su tonight. Packed most of the day. Tomorrow will be more of the same with the exception of getting to see Su. Tomorrow night will be the worst, this I already know. It'll be the *if its not in a box, throw it in a box* mentality. I have a lot of both good and bad memories in this place. M being the most recent event, has the most memories for now. I'm hoping this will change with time. If anyone has a magic solution to wipe the heart and brain of all traces of someone, please let me know. I need that. Badly. My new computer should be ready next week. Woohoo. My car is ready but they are kind enough to hold it until Monday, I just have too much going on this weekend to deal with it. Schedule seems to go a bit like this: Tomorrow- pack, Saturday- move EVERYTHING, Sunday- clean, Monday- carpet guy coming and the final walk thru, Tuesday- sleep. |
| Tuesday, March 25, 2003 |
Uneventful day. That's a good thing I suppose. I'm taking E to the zoo tomorrow. Still packing, still tired of packing. I've been trying to plan how things will go on Saturday and have decided they will go how they go. Everything will get moved and hopefully I can make it to the meeting to see B get her birthday chip. She said she saw M today and he blew her off. Apparently he looks like hell and is being an ass to most everyone. She said the last time they talked it was apparent how much he missed me. Maybe so. Maybe not. I have so many unanswered questions. So many suspicions and wonderings. In past relationships when things have ended, they ended because there was a fundamental problem with relationship between that person and I. Maybe that's the case here and I'm not seeing it. It feels like a contest I lost and while that is irrational, its still a feeling. Its worse too because had there been no children, I doubt his decision would be the same, he even told me that at one point. Possibly I am teetering on the edge. More likely so than a possibility I guess. 1 year ago, 6 months ago, hell 2 months ago, I was ok. Now though, I keep asking, what's the point. |
| Monday, March 24, 2003 |
I'm just tired. Emotionally, mentally and physically fried. That's all. I just need something good to hang on to. I just need a mustard seed of hope. |
| Saturday, March 22, 2003 |
Things are packed, at least half way done. I cleaned out the room at my mom's house, set up the storage unit and packed a few more boxes here. While I won't miss the complex, I am going to miss my space. It's the first place that was in my name and my name only. I know I'll adjust. I'm just in a funk. Depression has set in and while its not paralyzing, I fear it could be. I have to stay busy, even doing mindless activities. Because if I stop, I'm not sure I'll start again. I fall asleep crying and wake with tears still in my eyes. Has my life really come to this? |
| Thursday, March 20, 2003 |
The bedroom at my mom's got painted today courtesy of a friend's boyfriend. B sensing my nearness to the edge of sanity thought I needed some pampering and pampering it was. For 2 full hours I was massaged and rubbed and even walked out with a tan. I felt like jelly when I left. I had spent most of that time in that half asleep but still aware state. I'm hoping I can sleep tonight. What little sleep I have gotten this week has been filled with bizarre horrible dreams. I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting, physically and emotionally. I'm tired of simply surviving rather than living. I am grateful though that I have the people I do in my life. Life right now is so very different than I had planned it a month ago, 2 months ago, a year ago. I'm broken. |
| Wednesday, March 19, 2003 |
I feel like I am dying inside. Or rather I wish I was. The tidal wave of emotions has hit hard tonight. I get told I should "move on" but I don't know how. I don't know how to let go of the dreams of marriage and a family, even if those dreams include someone that lied. My heart is too bruised, too involved, too scarred. I have been asked out by 2 different men, neither of which I am interested in. I don't even think I could go out with them. How fair would it be to do that, knowing the whole time I was wishing there were someone else. How do I get left behind, only to have lost my heart while he moves on. Carefree no, but he has lost nothing in all this. I feel like I have lost everything. I know the saying goes, "God, will not give you more than you can handle", yet I feel my strength has been far over-estimated on this. He stays with a woman that he professed to have no interest in, yet he leaves behind the one he said he wanted to be with. I am left with so many why's and how's. I'm sure she is thrilled with the turn of events. Hell, she probably was praying for it. While I don't blame her for not liking me, I wonder too, if she knows how often I thought of her and felt bad. That my actions were never meant to hurt her. While she relishes in my pain, I wonder if she knows how I dreaded hers. |
| Monday, March 17, 2003 |
I should know better than to think something good I want and plan for will work out that way. Or even simply work out. Blessings get taken away for no reason. Maybe stress, maybe the car accident. Maybe nothing. Maybe its just how it was supposed to be. This is one of those days I long for comfortable numbness of being absurdly drunk. |
| Friday, March 14, 2003 |
I got to see Su again today. God its good to see her. I also found out that they are going to fix my car rather than total it out. Woohoo! Working on the website for the new customer and its coming along quickly thank god. Also had a very interesting talk with M last night. He's playing the martyr role and saying he is going to counseling. As I told him, he needs it. He is a sick man. We talked for about 45 minutes. I kept my side of the street clean, wish I could say the same for him. Need to finish the site and then watch ER. Slumber party tomorrow night! Gossip, facials, man bashing and junk food. Woohoo! |
| Thursday, March 13, 2003 |
For the first time since last Tuesday I got to see Su. Oh god it was so good to see her. At one point we were playing and she ran into my arms and gave me this huge hug and I just lost it. Alligator tears rolling down my face lost it. She told me she loved me and missed me and asked where Freedom was. She looks like she is doing better and the doctors are predicting a full recovery with nothing but a scar to remind her. Also sounds like the DA is getting ready to charge to bastard. I can't wait to testify. I hope he gets life although I know the system isn't that fair. Still no word from M although I guess I shouldn't be surprised he doesn't care about his own child. After all, I wonder if he ever cared about me sometimes. |
| Tuesday, March 11, 2003 |
Played chauffeur again this morning and then got to spend the afternoon with E. Babysitting, playing call it what you want but it was fun. Spoke to the body shop too, seems to be a fifty fifty shot at them totaling my car. But the girl was really nice and said we'd figure out a way to keep it. Chiropractor and Dr's appointment tomorrow, taking St to her parenting class and then home for me. I am so tired! This baby is wearing me out! |
| Monday, March 10, 2003 |
Long day today. One that has left me emotionally and physically exhausted. I went to the chiropractor this morning. He is putting me a on 3 times a week schedule. Ugh. Then we got news that St could go see Su after meeting with the social worker. Took her down to do that and we thought I'd get to see her too but... seems no one but St and her mom right now are being allowed in. I'm disappointed to say the least but the good news is that I should be in by the end of the week pending a background check which I'll fly through. Started looking at the depth of the website I am going to do for the head hunter and there is a lot more work than I thought involved. Its not that I can't do it, I can. Its just going to take longer than I wanted it to. On the upside, I'll get a custom built computer out of it. Something Mark had promised but never came through with. I do miss what he and I had. I do believe he loved me and I know I loved him. I don't miss the man he turned into when his secret was out but I miss all the nights in different cities together. I miss him surprising me by taking days off of work for us to just be. Hell, even the dog still looks for him out the window at night. Sometimes I wonder if he even thinks about me. |
| Sunday, March 9, 2003 |
I did a lot of driving back and forth to Elk Grove today and the rental car has a CD player in it. Woohoo! I put in a mix CD that he made. One of the songs on it I forgot was there. This CD was one he made in December yet the song he wanted me to hear so badly, contradicts everything he said about knowing since November. I don't remember the artist but the lyrics go like this: Yes, I do know how I survived Yes, I do know why I'm alive To love and be with you Day by day by day I've always been a lyric kind of girl. He knows this. The first song he *gave* to me was Magic Man and I believe now that should have been a warning. |
| Saturday, March 8, 2003 |
Very productive day for a Saturday. Took Freedom for a run at his favorite park. Afterwards I went by my mom's and washed the walls and spackled the nails holes in. Hopefully we can start painting next week. I even managed to get my laundry done there. Came home and talked to a friend that has a friend who is apparently interested in asking me out. I figure why not, its only a date. A few friends and I are going to have a girls' night out slumber party here next weekend and I am way looking forward to that. With everything that happened this week I completely forgot I had a visitor Monday night. I don't know who but someone left a small teddy bear and a red rose on my doorstep. No note or anything so... I'm at a loss as to who it was. But it was nice and definitely put a smile on my face. |
| Friday, March 7, 2003 |
Court was uneventful, Su's biological dad got temporary custody. Not my first choice but better than foster care. I went and got my back adjusted at the chiropractor, and still have to go again Monday. The head hunter's dsl is down so we are going to meet Sunday instead. Also went to a meeting after the court thing. And managed to get a box packed and take a nap. Tomorrow is Freedom's park run and then I am going to try and tackle the room at my mom's house. We'll see. |
| Thursday, March 6, 2003 |
I got the rental car after a lot of hassle and pain but I have it. My car is in the shop, they are having to do a full body estimate before determining if there is more damage than its worth. Went to the chiropractor. I go back again... and on Monday... and on Tuesday. Resumes being submitted all over the place. Going to court tomorrow morning with St, to meet with the head hunter guy and then back to the chiropractor. Oy vey. At least there is good stuff on TV tonight I suppose. |
| Wednesday, March 5, 2003 |
I just lost my job. Apparently things have slowed down to where the workload no longer requires me. I have no idea what I am going to do now. |
| Tuesday, March 4, 2003 |
I got home from my 7 hour visit to the ER to meet with 8 cops and Social workers. Yesterday when I got home from work J, St's boyfriend was outside with Su, the 2 year old, looking for me. He said there was something wrong with her stomach. She clutched on to me and when I was looking at her stomach, at first it looked just really bloated. I tried touching it and there was no give at all to it. She was dry heaving and I convinced J to call St, Su's mom at work to have her call the advice nurse. I didn't think she was hurt, I thought she was just really sick. St tried saying it was gas according to the advice nurse. After almost yelling at her I got her to get off work to take her to the Dr. I saw J before I went to bed and he said they were hospitalizing her because she had a hole in stomach. I saw J this morning and he said they did surgery and it was probably genetic. So I went by the hospital before going to the ER. No one was in the room with Su. Not her mom or her grandmother. I stayed for almost 45 minutes having to help restrain Su when they reinserted her nose tube. I saw the nurse and asked how long she was going to be there. 5-7 days, I asked if it was genetic and I was told no, this was an injury. I've known Su since she was brought home at 2 days old. I saw her first smile, the first time she rolled over and love her like she was mine. So back to the cops. The took formal statements from me on the parenting of J and St, the drug use going on, abuse etc. I was completely honest with them. He is a loser, drug using, child beating father. While I have never seen him hit Su, I know he hits his boys. I called CPS in November, they were here in September from a call from the school, B called the cops on his drug use. J is of course nowhere to be found. Good thing too cause I'll kill the motherfucker if I find him first. I gave the cops every detail I could think of. Every minute thing including his arrest 2 weeks ago, the people he hangs with and the car he drives. Then I broke down and started crying, The CPS worker said the injury was near fatal. She could have died. I don't know what more I could have done. Yet I still feel guilty. I don't feel like I betrayed St, I do though worry about the consequences of my being honest. I do still have to live next door to them for another month. I know that sounds selfish and I hate myself for thinking like that. I would do anything for that baby. I have no desire to see any of them right now. J's youngest was being taken out and strapped in a CPS car when I first pulled in. He looked at me and said help. I think I did help tonight. I hope I did. As for me its a bad case of whiplash. |
| Monday, March 3, 2003 |
Not much to say. Just another manic Monday. I'm tired and my back and neck hurt quite a bit. Seems my claim has been assigned to a different insurance adjuster because I am hurt. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him tomorrow. The kitten is driving me nuts with her hyperactivity. The dog is being clingy. All in all I'm a little cranky. B thinks the food cravings and mood swings are funny. Personally, I'd just like to get to the good part now. =) |
| Sunday, March 2, 2003 |
I got into a car accident yesterday on the way home from the park with Freedom. I'm relatively ok but my car isn't. I was and had been sitting at a stoplight for a good 2 minutes at least when the car behind me slammed in to me. It also pushed my car into the car ahead of me. I hit my face on the steering wheel and of course have whiplash I'm sure. I'm taking it to a friend's tonight to have her boyfriend look at it. He does auto body work and I want to make sure its safe to drive until I get it fixed. Other than that its been a quiet weekend. Sleepy day today. Packing begins next week. Painting too. |
| Thursday, February 27, 2003 |
This week has been good, today being no exception. Spring is on its way and I can't wait. Last summer and fall, he and I took Freedom to the park everyday for his lunch hour, Saturdays being a couple hours. At least until the time change. It was great for Freedom because he needed the exercise and the weight loss it provided. It was great for him and me because we got even more time together. The downside was that Freedom didn't usually get a lot of my attention. This year he can, at least for awhile. Lots of parks close to where I'll be moving, plus there are a few worth driving to for him. Work was good, our department is in remarkable shape given that its month end. Went to lunch with a few coworkers and it was great. Got more offers to help move too. At this point there are 8 people that have offered to help. Should make things fast and easy. Must See TV tonight and then it's Friday! Woohoo! |
| Wednesday, February 26, 2003 |
The week has flown by. But in a good way. The morning sickness is down to practically nil however the weird food likes are way up there. Not so much bizarre combinations but cravings for things I don't normally like *shrug* S'ok... its nothing so major I don't go on like always. I'll be past the first trimester after this week and that will be a huge sigh of relief. Spoke to my boss yesterday about whether or not they are going to be keeping me as a full employee. The temp thing is old and I really need to get my benefits going. I should have an answer next week, month end is always hectic. Other than that, not much going on. Life is just being life. I am still amazed at how much better things are without the presence of evil in my life. |
| Tuesday, February 25, 2003 |
I knew it would be a good day when I was up a few minutes before the alarm went off. Its amazing how much more rested I am now without having to wake up every night just to meet someone for the minute amount of time he could spare me. I still can't believe I let myself be so manipulated by someone to the point I did. To believe so many lies, knowing in my gut they were lies yet wanting so badly to believe him. The little girl inside me saw him as a knight in shining armor. Too bad the adult couldn't convince her he was really a wolf in sheep's clothing. Lyric girl that I am this struck me as being true: Head strong to take on anyone. I know that you are wrong. Back off I'll take you on |
| Monday, February 24, 2003 |
Easy day at work, easy day in life. The messages are back open after their brief stint of being attacked. Sorry anyone that wanted to leave a non-harassing message but... you can leave one now! :O) Work was work, uneventful and wonderfully boring. I realized this afternoon I have stopped looking over my shoulder all the time. Cooking a yummy healthy dinner and then time to snuggle with Freedom. Tomorrow night the mother and I are going to pick up paint to repaint my old room. I need to start packing stuff up soon. How I dread that. I dread cleaning out that old room more though. Sometimes boring is wonderful. |
| Sunday, February 23, 2003 |
Another good day. A bit boring but the good days seem to be on a roll. I do enjoy the type of boredom that can only come from no drama. Life is pretty much back to being a good
thing again. I'm connecting with old friends, have made a
few new ones. The meeting last night was great, even if I
thought so only because I picked up my 2 year chip. Like
an idiot, I gave my 1 year chip to someone I thought
cared. I guess everything in life is hindsight. Also true
perception can only come when the whole truth is given
about a situation. Oh I am still hurt and still angry but
I think the best revenge is to take care of me. He will
someday have to answer for his actions. I can't and won't
provide absolution for him and my exacting revenge won't
get me that either. He's not the person he portrayed
himself to be. I am finally seeing Mark for Mark and its
not a man I even want to know, much less be with. I have
a long road ahead of me, however I also know how much of
that road I have support on. Its far more support than I
could have gotten from one man. |
| Saturday, February 22, 2003 |
Its been a good day. Drama free and my life appears to be getting back to happy status. Went with B, her daughters and a couple friends to see Jungle Book 2, although my mind wasn't really there. It was cute though and E loved it. Nice and uneventful. Also took the Freedom dog to Tetotem park for some romp time. Again, blissfully uneventful. I have taken him to parks all across Sacramento and he seems to like that one best so I guess we'll keep going there instead of something closer. If I didn't know better I would say my life is my own again. I lost 200 lbs in the last week or so. 190 being the jerk, another 10 of my own. My small evidence of a life with him though continues to grow and I am so looking forward to its arrival. I can't wait to find out if its a boy or a girl. Secretly I want a girl but I would be happy with either of course. B and I have found ways to minimize anything highly stressful and I am doing everything I can to take care of me. I'm just not going to take a chance with this. |
| Thursday, February 20, 2003 |
I am more than a bit tired of the attack on my website. This site has been tracking IP addresses for all visitors since its conception. The majority of these attacks are coming from the Cal-Fed network. I have notified the Cal-Fed corporate security as well as the IT department and have turned over the IP logs. As with most companies, there is a policy in place regarding termination for the personal use of company computers. Perhaps its time for some people to grow up and let it go. Its not a battle that is yours to fight first off, and secondly, you don't know the full story, simply one side of it. Should the attacks continue I will prepare to start harassment proceedings. On another note, Freedom and I have set up park times at Tetotem Park in Antelope for Saturday and Sunday with a friend. If anyone wants to join, I'm sure you can ask around for the park's location. |
| Wednesday, February 19, 2003 |
I found out who set off the explosion that shattered my life last week. I'm not as angry as I might have been had I not found out the truth that he had been lying about. In that respect I am grateful for their actions because god only knows how long I would have stayed. I'm not pleased with the destruction they caused in someone else's lives but, there is nothing I can do about that. I have enough else to contend with rather than be worrying about someone else's amends right now. It also helped to hear that I was not cause of the explosion but rather a resentment for something he did. His mistreatment and viciousness towards other people was the motive. While I don't agree with it, as I said there is a certain amount of gratitude because no longer am I believing the lies of a jester. I simply wish it hadn't come down this way. I have never claimed to be blameless or a victim in this situation. I had my part. I also know too my actions were what they were because of lies I was told. Had I known the truth all along, I can say without a doubt I would not have ever gotten involved. This is the first relationship I can say I have ever regretted being in. He is the first man I can say I regret ever knowing. |
| Tuesday, January 28, 2003 |
I'm sorry it has been so long since I have updated. Of the journals I keep, this is the least involved for me. Perhaps because so many know me in real life as well as on the web it is hard for me to truly let the thoughts and feelings that absorb flow here. As of late, my personal has taken a sudden death spiral. I am alive. I am ok. I need time though to grieve the relationship and because of that, this journal may not be updated as regularly. I find writing about every day life is quite mundane compared to the war raging in my head. Feel free to drop me a note and please check back soon. Thank you. Shannon |
| Sunday, December 27, 2002 |
I woke yesterday morning and Freedom had all this little bumps on him and his face looked a bit swollen. I honestly thought he had just been chewing on himself and let it go. Went to the store and came home with Burney (story to follow) and his face was completely swollen and he looked like he had been beaten. I started looking closer and realized they were hives. Went back to Petsmart and while we don't know the origin, his bedding has been sterilized, the house thoroughly cleaned and him bathed, he is back to normal. They gave him a shot of Cortizone and some costly antibiotics to avoid his normal skin infections. Poor thing. He looked so pathetic. I called the prince though to get some moral support and he showed up at the vet to meet us. I was so scared and it was such a relief to see him. Now about Burney. I have a new kitten!!! *do a lil dance* She is so damn cute and so full of piss and vinegar. Partly the reason I fell in love with her! Quite the love when being held though but able to tell the white oaf to back off. I've been told she sounds like me. *shrugs* I don't see the comparision. My bathroom ceiling and wall is leaking from upstairs. It was supposed to have been fixed Friday when I noticed the 8-12 inch long bulge under the paint. Seems they didn't fix it well enough because my wall sprang a leak this morning. To make matters worse, while I can hear the cow sounding neighbors upstairs, they aren't answering their door to let maintenance in. So..... the wall continues to leak. The cleaning bill for the office will continue to grow as well. Arrrggghhh. |
| Sunday, December 15, 2002 |
The prince came by after doing some X-mas shopping to drop off and wrap a few things for me. At first he wanted to know where in my apartment I might not look. Bahahahahaha Right. I am the kid that would slice the tape and re-tape all her Christmas presents. While I have grown from that, I would advise anyone leaving a gift for me in "plain view" if its not wrapped. So he wrapped them. I think he just trying to torture me though because he left the receipt in my jewelry box *just in case* Ayyeeeee the suspense is killing me. *must not look* Oy so little kid sometimes. I've been awake a whole 6.5 hours now.... I'm exhausted. |
| Saturday, December 14, 2002 |
Had the most bizarre nightmares last night. Ones of Freedom getting dognapped and *shudder*I was totally relieved when I woke up with him snuggled next to me. It still all nasty outside and I like it! This is my kinda weather! I must admit though the winter I spent in Lansing, everything was sooooo beautiful with the snow. Too bad I had to go outside though in those 5 months. Have to go to my mom's house to pick up the rest of the ornaments. Ick. I hate the smell over there. Maybe its the whole self righteous *I quit smoking, why can't you?* but good god it stinks in there. Spoke to an old co-worker last night. Her 15 year old daughter and I get along really really well. I think I'm the one she knows she can go to for all the *can't tell my mom but need an adult* kinda stuff. She invited me to her birthday party next Saturday. Its a slumber party. With 8 other 15 and 16 year old girls. That Saturday though is also the prince's and I's one year anniversary. I wanted to plan a nice dinner and even though he has to work maybe something special for when he gets here after work. Its a big deal for me because I swore this wouldn't last 6 months. So I don't know yet. I told Jordan, the 15 year old I might not make the party but instead would come over in jammies with donuts and OJ. I think that should be sufficiently embarrassing to please even the hardest to please 15 almost 16 year olds. =) Oh and I told her I'd teach her how to drive a stick shift. I was so good talking to her though, I think sometimes I have more fun with her than her mom. |
| Friday, December 13, 2002 |
Not just cold but rainy, rainy, rainy. Its the kind of weather I love! Especially when I can stay inside for it and snuggle up. Thank god its Friday too! Work was especially nice today. Boring but good. The witch was off, her birthday (Friday the 13th coincidence? I think not) and the guy training me was off. So I got to find out how much I know (and don't know). Lazy girl plans for the night, gonna watch ER from last night and wait for the prince to arrive. In this kind of weather, the perfect night for me. =) |
| Monday, December 9, 2002 |
I walked into work and apparently Santa already made a visit for me because there was not an ounce of desk space to be seen. Files and files and more files. All needing checks cut for them. So I started right in. Bitchy boss refused to answer a question and then proceeded to ignore me for the first to hours. Yes folks, this is only my third day there. I am expected to be Cleo the Psychic. Round 11ish, I got my prayers answered. I was told I would now be helping R... not bitch boss anymore. Oh thank you thank you thank you. The work is different but better, she is way nice and the guy training me is nice too. Then Appleone (the temp agency) called. The guy who placed me wanted to know how things were going. He had told me before the bitch boss would be *high maintenance*. I was pretty honest with him, especially after finding out they went through 5 versions of me in the last 6 months before I got there. The woman is crazy I tell you. He is afraid someone will simply go ballistic on her one day if he keeps putting people out there. I don't doubt it honestly. But she's not my boss anymore *happy dance*. Course she still refuses to speak to me but WHATEVER!. I even managed 30 minutes of OT. Got home and there were a package of X-mas lights on my desk. Figured they came from the prince but.... uh a little weird. Took Freedom out front and then came in and looked out to my patio. He also bought and delivered a Christmas tree for me! YAY!!!! I had dismissed the idea of having one for the money aspect and because its just me here. I am a happy girl. He'll be over tomorrow night to decorate. YAYYAYAYAY. Dinner is still cooking and then its time to relax! |
| Sunday, December 8, 2002 |
I spent today getting stuff done and then the prince called to see if I wanted to meet him to shop a little more for his boys. They are a wee bit on the spoiled side, in my opinion, but time with him on a Sunday is rare so I went. It was fun just being. The weekend has flown by though! I got everything done I wanted to do and even a couple things I hadn't planned on doing. Making dinner now and then to relax and go to bed early. If last week was any indication, I'm gonna need all the extra sleep I can get to avoid killing the |
| Wednesday, December 4, 2002 |
Its been a good day. Not just for 1 reason but for 2. 1. I don't have to move 2. I got a new job, I start tomorrow I went down and met with the office manager. Everything is fine. I don't have to move, I get to keep Freedom. Apparently the little wench yesterday was being *overzealous* (their word, not mine). It didn't help that the people upstairs still trying to start shit started in on the *well if she can have a dog, why can't we* b.s.. Situation solved, everything is as it was there. Finally, finally, finally, someone didn't say I was over qualified and offered me a position. I'm the Assistant to the Regional Director for Fidelity Title. Yeah, I'm not sure either what I'll be doing. Assisting the director I suppose. Don't care its more than I needed to make bills and even though there are no benefits right away, its temp to perm so maybe there will be. Verizon called around 1 to set up an interview for Customer Service in a call center. Benefits yes, but the pay wasn't great. I was willing though. Said yes and arranged the interview for 5 tonight. Then the temp agency called and wanted to know if I was interested. Yes, Verizon had benefits that I need but it was doing something I'm a little burnt on doing. Willing to do it yes but..... this other job is all brand new so it'll be fun for awhile and it sounds fast paced so the days will go by quickly. I quit smoking since I worked last..... what do people do on breaks beside eat? |
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