I did a lot of free writing and thinking today about all sorts of stuff...

And I guess I feel like I need a warning label or a well, this is who I am kinda thing.

So here goes...

• I'm intense, everything feels HUGE to me, both good and bad things.  I am generally full of joy or sadness.  Its rare that I hit an apathetic state.  Once I am apathetic towards something/someone though, there is rarely any going back. I am passionate.  The things, I love, I love.  The things I dislike, generally I hate.
• I am easily hurt.  When I get hurt, the cut goes deep.  However, knowing this, I also forgive quite easily and understand that people are generally not trying to be hurtful. I am probably one of the most sensitive people you have met.  I am also the last one you will ever see cry.
  
• I love deeply.  So very deeply and actually, quite easily.  It doesn't take much to make it into my heart and once you are there, it takes quite a lot for me to stop loving you. 
• I am loyal to the end.  Once you are my friend, I will do anything for you without hesitation.  Sometimes I get taken advantage of, and that's ok, because if I didn't risk that, I would never know how good it feels to give.
• I am the worst self-observationist I know.  When I see myself, I see the fat, ugly girl that was 14 and homely as all get out.  I see someone that is dumb and naive, unloved and unworthy. 
• I am also my worst enemy, the knowledge that I will fail often keeps me from attempting a lot of thing.  Going back to school is a great example.  Its not simply that there is a possibility I will fail, its that I know deep in my heart I will. Yes, It is illogical, but so am I.
• I'm a perfectionist.  Because of this, nothing I do is ever right enough or good enough.  Slowly this is changing and I am accepting that if I give it 100%, sometimes that needs to be enough.
  
• I am very childlike at heart.  I like to blow bubbles and draw with sidewalk chalk and run through fields of flowers and play with puppies.  They are the things God gave me to entertain me.   I can't see them as anything else.
• I have 15 children in my life (ages 4-18)...  and I would walk through fire and back for them if they asked.  These kids have never seen me smoke or cuss.  They don't hear me talk negatively about myself. I want to be the best example I can be for them so that when they become adults, maybe they might remember that their "Auntie Shannon" didn't do those things, and think twice before they do them.  I want to be the good these kids remember, not the bad. They look up to me and I don't want to ever change that.  Lofty goals but...  true.
• I have a very jaded past.  I have seen, done and had done to me more than most 50 year olds have experienced.  Because of this, when I share my past, I down play it.  I have no regrets on the things I have done.  To regret them means to regret who I am.  All events, experiences and lessons a person has contributes directly to who they are.  It is not what you experience that makes you who you are, it is how you use it that determines your strength.
• I can be very shy.  I don't like rejection and this keeps me away from opening up to a lot of people.  I fear sounding stupid or uneducated or worse, egotistical.  So instead, I can be very quiet until I feel comfortable.  Yet once I am comfortable, good luck shutting me up.
  
• I hate being the center of attention and I hate being looked at.  If I could be invisible, I would be perfectly content. 
  
• I am a perfect oxymoron of being the Angelic Brat.  Because as bratty as I get is as snuggly and loving as get.  It is not hard to conceive in my ming, playing a practical joke on someone and then snuggling up with the same person 5 minutes later.  Snuggling rarely has to do with sex, for me, it has to do with love.
  
• I have a lot of walls up around me.  Once I bring down a couple for you, they will all come tumbling.  That being said, it takes persistence to love me.  And as much as I want to, I do not know how to change that. The facade I portray is quite different than the girl inside.
  

Just a few disclaimers....   I think people have opinions of me that might be more the facade I want than who I am.


I am just me though....