So last week I did something really stupipd. Well, not stupid I guess, in some ways it was beneficial but... in other ways, not so. I'm in a funk. Torn between wanting what I know will never happen and what I want to happen. And knowing that what I want to happen is gonna require patience and blech... I don't have patience. So now I am in this circle of knowing what I *should* do and what I want to do and what I want to happen and what I know will happen and the whole thing is a mess. I'm not going to post the details on here.... the details don't really matter though.

Basically it comes down to me doing the same thing again and expecting something different to happen. Nothing different is gonna happen. It never does in this situation. And I can only delude myself into thinking it will be different for the moment and then reality sets in. I'm ok... just irritated with myself. I want to be past certain things and ready for others and its just not where I am at. I'll get to where I want to be, or where I want to be will change to where I am.

I have lots of things to look forward to. Camping in BC with Xtan, Finn and Freedom. I am taking this coming Monday off to go do the passport thing. I have the trip to Malaysia. I have a good job. I have really good friends. I have my health (for the most part). I have Freedom. I have God in my life, regardless of how disappointed I have made Him. I need to be content with these things because when it comes right down to it, that's more than a lot of people can say.

Yet I'm not. I want a husband that loves me for me, I want kids that call me Mommy. I want to be held and hugged, loved on and cherished.